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The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
ICYMI: Oreo And Reese’s Team Up To Sicken Dogs
https://theonion.com/oreo-and-reeses-team-up-to-sicken-dogs/
By The Wasted Onion: Microsoft Reaches Record Breaking Sales Never Seen Before, Lowers Employee Wages Due To Lack Of Funds
REDMOND, WA—Touting the success the tech giant has had over the last financial quarter, Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella said Friday that the company had reached record breaking sales before quickly announcing plans to lower employee wages due to insufficient funds. “I am proud to say that Microsoft has reached record sales that have never been seen before, thanks to our forward first approach with AI integration and continued success of our business-aligned products like M365, we’ve seen frankly fantastic sales, not in small part thanks to you, our employees. With that, I will make you aware that we’re cutting your wages by half since we are pretty strapped for cash,” said Mr. Nadella at an office party hosted inside the Windows makers headquarters. “Don’t worry, the money we save cutting your wages is going to go places as I’m happy to announce our plans to purchase Electronic Arts, adding to our portfolio at Xbox Games Studios, we have great plans, and already have laid out our 2-year roadmap to shutter the entirety of EA after the acquisition is complete.” At press time, reports from inside the company indicated employees were begging Copilot to let them go after Mr. Nadella locked the exit to the building to prevent anyone from striking or resigning due to the wage cuts.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @owl, thank you!
Doctor With Positive Attitude Learns Something New From Every Malpractice Suit
https://theonion.com/doctor-with-positive-attitude-learns-something-new-from-every-malpractice-suit/
By The Wasted Onion: President Kiwi Signs Executive Order Requiring Jeffalo To Apply Duct Tape To Ethernet Cable Keeping Wasteof Server Online
THE INTERNET—Writing his name onto the document in the presence of aids and the press inside The Crack House, wasteof President Kiwi signed an executive order Thursday requiring King Jeffalo to apply duct tape to keep the ethernet cable secured to the new wasteof server, preventing another outage. “Enough is enough, this nation has been banished to the shadow realm of the internet far too many times since it was moved to the new server. This executive order will require King Jeffalo to use some damn duct tape to keep the ethernet cable holding the very fabric of the nation together so you may all continue to post your nonsense at all hours of the day,” said President Kiwi to the press pool moments after signing the order. “If this executive order fails, we do have more options, we might order that Jeffalo has to hold the cable in at all times, but that might be torture, I haven’t asked the UN, nor do I think they’ll respond. But if all else fails we’ll order Jeffalo to just glue the damn thing in.” Eyewitness accounts indicated that in the minutes after the executive order was signed, Jeffalo was seen sprinting to the server located in his home, with onlookers describing the wasteof owner as “sweating a fuck ton.” At press time, the wasteof server had yet again went offline, this time due to Jeffalo’s sweat short circuiting the server itself.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
CDC Recommends Eating A Nice Crisp Shiny Apple Instead Of Having Unprotected Sex
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: BREAKING: Life Threatening Extreme Weather Imminent, More Details Next Week Or Whatever
This special report was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Trump Examined By Doctor After Acknowledging Existence Of Suffering
https://theonion.com/trump-examined-by-doctor-after-acknowledging-existence-of-suffering/
Trump Still Polling Well With Working-Class American Pedophiles
https://theonion.com/trump-still-polling-well-with-working-class-american-pedophiles/
Trump Gives Russia 10-Day Deadline To End Ukraine
https://theonion.com/trump-gives-russia-10-day-deadline-to-end-ukraine/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: New Wasteof Server Keeps Shutting Down After Witnessing Horrors Being Written To It By Users
ICYMI: Ghislaine Maxwell Can’t Help But Notice Interview Room Covered In Plastic Sheeting
By The Wasted Onion: VPN Usage In UK Mysteriously Spikes To 100%
WESTMINSTER, LONDON—Leaving lawmakers perplexed on both sides of the political spectrum, VPN providers announced Sunday that there has been an unexplainable 100% increase in the usage of virtual private networks across the United Kingdom. “Today we can announce we’ve had a 100% increase in usage of our service over the last few days from the UK, we are currently unable to find the cause for this spike, but oh boy, our pockets are getting heavy trying to carry all of their finest British pounds!” said Andy Yen, CEO of Proton which runs ProtonVPN, with similar statements coming from other providers like NordVPN, ExpressVPN and PenisVPN. “We are aware of the current increase in VPN usage and we are working hard to find the root cause of this phenomena and what a VPN does exactly,” said a spokesperson for Ofcom, the UK’s TV, internet and telecommunications regulator while casually asking The Wasted Onion’s technology editor David Attenborough for his passport to verify he is actually an adult. Shortly after the interview, Ofcom announced it would disable the internet. When asked outside No. 10, British Prime Minister Keir Starmer asked what a VPN is, wondering if it was some newfangled AI thingamajig before proceeding to upload his drivers license to wasteof.money to view Jeffalo’s “spicy” alt account, according to the PM.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
ICYMI: Shocking Video Captures Calm Police Officers Handling Situation Nonviolently
https://theonion.com/shocking-video-captures-calm-police-officers-handling-situation-nonviolently/
Fantastic Four’s Pedro Pascal Recalls Working With Trainer To Stretch Limbs 50 Feet
Editors note: we would like to clarify that this post was posted Friday, 25th July 2025, and not Saturday, 26th July 2025. Your eyes are simply deceiving you, unlike The Only News Source, which is always correct and accurate unlike those hacks over at The Wall Street Journal.
