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The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: World Plunged Into Chaos After Wasted Onion Unable To Make Daily Wasteof Post
AG Informed Trump His Name Tattooed All Over Epstein’s Body
https://theonion.com/ag-informed-trump-his-name-tattooed-all-over-epsteins-body/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Pam Bondi Confirms Jeffery Epstein Named In Epstein Files
By The Wasted Onion: The Wasted Onion Reaches 50,000,000,000 Followers On Wasteof
DUNFERMLINE, SCOTLAND—Gleefully celebrating the latest milestone on the social media platform, The Wasted Onion announced Wednesday that it has reached 50,000,000,000 followers on its wasteof.money profile. “In a mere 6 months we have conquered wasteof just like the British Empire conquered Ireland, India and basically fucking everywhere else on Earth at some stage. This milestone is momentous and the latest in our storied history as The Only News Source. I told you motherfuckers that those child slaves we bought in Cambodia were worth every penny to juice our numbers,” said CEO Clef Bozos at an office party while taking swigs from the blood of orphans. “Not just have we gotten more followers than there are people, but we’re also wasting so much of Jeffalo’s Dell OptiPlex server space. That’s all thanks to the copious amount of Russian bots that we’ve purchased. It was our goal to get as many followers on a website used by a few mere thousands, forget Facebook or Instagram, that shit is lame as fuck. We’re the most followed account on wasteof! Way fucking cooler!” Moments after concluding his speech, Bozos revealed he kidnapped and tied Tyler, The Creator to a chair to perform his new album “DON’T TAP THE GLASS” for the office. At press time, parent business The Wasted Company announced plans to purchase you. Don’t resist. Obey your masters. Now come here, you have articles to write.
GE Recalls Washing Machines That Failed To Pleasure Lonely Housewives
https://theonion.com/ge-recalls-washing-machines-that-failed-to-pleasure-lonely-housewives/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: President Kiwi Vows To Release TallPeter Files
McDonald’s Brings Back Beloved Snack Rat
https://theonion.com/mcdonalds-brings-back-beloved-snack-rat/
‘Must Be A Waymo,’ Bystanders Say Of Moron Stuck Backing Up In Alley For Half Hour
ICYMI: MAGA Voter Drills Hole Into Skull To Relieve Sudden Doubts About Trump
https://theonion.com/maga-voter-drills-hole-into-skull-to-relieve-sudden-doubts-about-trump/
ICYMI: Trump Urges Supporters To Move On From Societal Disdain For Pedophilia
https://theonion.com/trump-urges-supporters-to-move-on-from-societal-disdain-for-pedophilia/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: CEO Caught On Camera In Alleged Affair With CPO At Coldplay Concert Really Wishing He Was On Titan Submersible Right Now
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Trump Denies WSJ Report He Sent Bawdy Birthday Letter To Jeffery Epstein, Says He Would Have Drawn Woman With Bigger Breasts
By The Wasted Onion: Charlie Kirk To Start Debating 8-Year-Olds After Losing Too Many Debates To College Kids
PHOENIX, AZ—Standing stoically in a video posted to his X/Twitter account Friday, Turning Point USA Founder and President Charlie Kirk announced he will begin debating 8-year-olds after losing one too many debates against college-aged kids. “As you all know, the radical left has been brainwashing our greatest minds for years now, those being that of 8-year-olds. I plan to go into elementary schools across the nation and confront their liberal propaganda head on to undo the damage and let them see the truth that conservatism is the future America needs and deserves, especially after how my ass was handed to me by sleep deprived college students,” said Mr. Kirk in a video with an elementary school in the background. “I don’t think you understand the true danger of transgender ideology being pushed by the woke liberal mind virus in your school. Don’t you see the constant stream of transgenderism around you in this establishment?” said the political pundit to an 8-year-old staring blankly at him while asking when he can leave to play with his friends in the playground. At press time, Charlie Kirk was seen yelling at a group of second graders painting rainbows in art class that they were “liberal shills” before being escorted out by security.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @dertermenter, thank you!
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Boys Spotted Making Paper Airplanes Out Of Epstein Files
WASHINGTON—Giggling and making plane noises, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. were reportedly spotted making paper airplanes out of the Epstein files Thursday in the South Lawn of the White House. “It’s so awesome Dad gave us all of this paper and said we could make cool paper airplanes out of them!” said a visibly jubilant Don Jr. as Eric, the younger Trump boy, excitedly folded multiple pages of the Epstein client list into simple origami planes. “Ha! My plane flew way further than yours, you totally suck at this! Just wait till I tell Daddy about how much better my planes were! He’s going to be so proud of how much of this weird paper I used to make epic planes!” said a giddy Eric Trump as his older brother replied “Whatever, Dad’s totally gonna put me in charge of the Compartment of Injustice [sic] after he sees how good I am at handling paper!” At press time, reports confirmed the Trump boys asked their father whatever happened to Uncle Epstein, which got them grounded to “El Labrador” [sic] for a month.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
