Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
Find more kick-ass journalism at our website: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Australian Woman Convicted Of Triple Murder Using Poisonous Mushrooms
https://theonion.com/australian-woman-convicted-of-triple-murder-using-poisonous-mushrooms/
By The Wasted Onion: Xbox Executive Recommends Homeless People Just Buy A House
REDMOND, WA—Offering advice to those finding themselves without a home, Matt Turnbull, an executive producer at Xbox Game Studios Publishing suggested homeless people should just buy a house. “I know this type of advice engenders strong feelings in people, but I'd be remiss in not trying to offer the best advice I can given the situation many that are homeless find themselves in. I've been experimenting with ways to help reduce the emotional and cognitive load that comes with homelessness. I have concluded that homeless people should simply purchase a home,” said Mr. Turnbull in a post on LinkedIn. “No advice I give is a replacement for your voice or your lived experience. But at a time when mental energy is scarce, this advice can help get you unstuck faster, calmer, and with more clarity. If this helps, feel free to share with others in your network. Stay kind, stay smart, stay connected and buy a house, idiot.” Reactions to the post were mixed, from outrage over the “tone-deaf” message to praise, such as from Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella, who said Turnbull was “thinking logically, unlike you brokies!” At press time, Mr. Turnbull deleted his LinkedIn post, posting a new one offering an apology, saying “I’m sorry for what I said, it was inappropriate. I should have never referred to unhoused people as homeless people.”
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
Study: 97% Of Average American’s Day Spent Retrieving 6-Digit Codes
https://theonion.com/study-97-of-average-americans-day-spent-retrieving-6-digit-codes/
By The Wasted Onion: FBI Announces Jeffery Epstein Never Existed
WASHINGTON—Holding a press briefing to share new information regarding a controversial case, FBI Director Kash Patel announced that Jeffery Epstein, the financier who procured children for prostitution in a sex trafficking ring who then allegedly committed suicide while in prison never existed. “After an extensive investigation since I was appointed Director of the FBI, we have come to the conclusion that Jeffery Epstein never actually existed and was simply a figment of everyone's collective imagination,” said Mr. Patel, leaving the room of reporters of lesser media organisations in bewilderment. “To be clear, Mr. Epstein did not traffick minors to a private island for sex with himself or other powerful individuals, as he would need to have existed to be able to do that. This also means that Epstein did not kill himself, as he never existed in the first place to end his own life.” When asked if this sudden change in tone from the FBI was motivated by alleged ties between Epstein and President Trump, Patel pushed back, repeatedly screaming that Epstein did not exist while he crawled into a ball in the corner of the room. At press time, the FBI also announced that Ghislaine Maxwell, who helped procure children for the non-existent Jeffery Epstein did not exist either, but rather was a result of the Mandela effect.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Elon Musk Weeps, For There Are No More Women To Impregnate
https://theonion.com/elon-musk-weeps-for-there-are-no-more-women-to-impregnate/
By The Wasted Onion: I'm Going To Overthrow The Government Or Die Trying
Look, I understand that governments exist for a reason. They are there to ensure that we have a functional society and don’t just have a lawless hellscape, and I also know why we have elections; they allow the citizens of nations to decide their future based on what they believe and what they feel is best for their country. It also prevents those who go drunk with power from keeping that power forever.
However, I’m so fucking goddamn pissed that you stupid motherfuckers voted for Kiwi rather than me. What was it? Am I not worthy of the title of wasteof president? Is it because I’m an owl, huh? You morons would vote for a plank of wood if someone stuck googly eyes on it. Like seriously, what’s your problem? You had a perfectly good candidate right here, but no! You just had to go and vote for someone else!
That’s why I am going to do everything in my power to overthrow this incoming government, even if it kills me.
You read that right, I’m going to perform a coup d'état the likes you’ve never seen before. It’s the only option left. The democratic system has failed me, and that means you have left me no choice but to unseat Kiwi from power and make myself your president no matter the cost.
I know what you’re thinking. You think I’m bluffing, but trust me, I am not. I will overthrow this government or die trying. Which will likely be the latter.
This piece was suggested by @owl & @kiwi, thank you!
By The Wasted Onion: @Leaks Confirms Chance He Overthrows Kiwi Administration Low, Not Necessarily Zero
THE INTERNET—Sharing the latest information from his trusted source, wasteof account @leaks claimed that while the chances of him overthrowing the incoming Kiwi administration was low, it was not necessarily zero. “According to my sources, I can confirm that the chances of Kiwi being overthrown by me is fairly low, but is not completely off the table,” said a post made to the accounts page, refusing to explain exactly how high or low the chances are of a coup devised by the account. “Wait hold on, you’re saying there’s a non-zero chance you will violently overthrow me as president of wasteof? Oh no,” said a worried president-elect Kiwi on his wasteof account Tuesday. Leaks quickly responded, saying that according to his trusted source the chances of a violent insurrection are low, but not impossible. As other members of the social media platform began to chime in, owner Jeffalo said in a post late afternoon that “the only person doing any overthrowing here is me,” before proceeding to elect himself president of wasteof.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
Insecure Woman Doesn’t Like Eating In Front Of Surveillance State
https://theonion.com/insecure-woman-doesnt-like-eating-in-front-of-surveillance-state/
Election Coverage: Wasteof Shocks World By Electing Person Not Old As Hell
THE INTERNET—Leaving the world gazing on in awe with their jaws agape from the results pouring in from the social media platform, wasteof.money shocked nations across the globe Monday after it elected someone who isn’t old as hell. “I’m just speechless, you’re telling me there's a place online that's just elected a guy who isn’t primed to be wheeled into the nearest care home and doesn’t have some borderline form of dementia? That’s crazy,” said Martin Fennel, a civil servant during former-President Joe Biden’s tenure at the White House as well as current President Trump’s administration. “Hold on, this new president of this website called wasteof isn’t an old fucking narcissistic asshole who people only use for their own benefit because he’s more easily bought than an assault rifle in the country?” said First Lady Melania Trump in a letter sent written in blood to The Wasted Onion’s office found in the building where the U.S. keeps all the moon landing props. “Just for the record I also am only married to this fucking bastard for the free plane and crypto rugpulls,” said another part of the letter. When asked about the recent election of Kiwi as wasteof’s new president, U.S. President Donald Trump said that he didn’t know what wasteof was, before proceeding to ask if the journalist meant DOGE.
From The Wasted Onion Editorial Board: The Wasted Onion Officially Endorses Kamala Harris For Wasteof President
Throughout its 290-year existence, The Wasted Onion has made endorsing the objectively correct candidate a vital part of its election coverage. From Benito Mussolini to Adolf Hitler, The Only News Source has always made the right call. This institution's editorial board has proven itself to always be correct in every single election to ever happen anywhere ever. Now, with this website at a pivotal point, staring down the canyon of decision, The Wasted Onion faces its own in endorsing a candidate to head the Crack House. That’s why we are officially endorsing Kamala Harris for president of wasteof.money. To our loyal subjects, understand this decision was not an easy one. In these times of assassinations, we must stand above it to say what must be said, unlike supposed “papers of record“ like The New York Times or The Guardian. Kamala Harris is the only sensible choice this election, not just does she know fuck all about this website, she doesn’t even know it exists, which puts her in the perfect position to run it into the ground, which would be a fantastic waste of money. Not just that, but since she is not running in this election, she will be able to handle losing after her failed U.S. presidential bid won by a certain someone. So The Wasted Onion humbly asks you to vote for Kamala Harris, but if that doesn’t pan out we can endorse Hillary Clinton as a backup.
Daily Election Update: On the final day of the election, we are able to report that we are glad the pain is almost over, just a day left of this relentless torture following these halfwits remains.
Updates from the campaign trail:
In a scathing attack against his main rival, Oren posted to wasteof saying “The Kiwi party has now supported terrorism. I call on kiwi to ask thrat to assassinate him, or to stand down from the election. It's only fair kiwi also faces the same fate as tallpeter!”
Posting another graphic styled like an old Apple Macintosh advert, Kiwi claimed that “Only with your vote can we realize the twenty-six-thousand promises we've set out to accomplish over the course of this year.”
Posting to wasteof as well in absolute shock, The-Owlsss wrote “holy shit guys me and the boys just declared bankruptcy by accident. I can still run for president, right?”
It’s been an honour V1 to mention your existence in this race unlike those elitist partisan idiots from the mainstream media, remember how The Wasted Onion never forgot.
After careful analysis by our resident financial experts, it has been determined economically feasible that Pufferfish101007 can achieve their campaign promise to “be cute :3” given current forecasts.
Today WannaBeRose didn’t insult The Only News Source, mainly after seeing how exhausted our cabal of reporters covering each candidate in this race are after running around to keep up with this gruelling never ending bullshit.
Election Coverage: @Kiwi Reminds Voters That He Doesn’t Know Who @Blaze Is
THE INTERNET—Frantically taking to his wasteof profile to respond to rumours swirling around his knowledge regarding the social media platform that originated from his opponent Oren, Kiwi reminded voters Saturday he does not know what or who Blaze is. “I hate to initiate another yapfest, but a good president actually responds to controversy instead of sweeping it under the rug. First of all, I’ve never heard of this Blaze guy in the first place. Them wanting to move wasteof to Wix was something I was completely unprepared for and have no involvement with. I don’t even know what tech Kyle is,” said the post in part Saturday evening. “Secondly, you’re right, Blaze is a weird website. I hereby pledge to never make ties with Blaze. Thirdly, vote for the candidate that doesn’t accuse random candidates of wanting to move wasteof over to Wix alongside Blaze. Vote for Kiwi.” Fellow candidate Oren quickly responded, writing to his wasteof page claiming “The Kiwi party knows who Blaze is. I heard them murmuring about that weird crypto coin they released. I call on Kiwi to denounce Blaze, or to stand down from the election. Vote Oren for no Wix sites!” At press time, Blaze made a post on its wasteof account claiming it does not use Wix to host its site, but rather an Acer Chromebook 11 from 2016.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
ICYMI: Wimbledon Player Issued Violation For Un-British Display Of Emotion
https://theonion.com/wimbledon-player-issued-violation-for-un-british-display-of-emotion/
Daily Election Update: After the assassination of TallPeter, candidates have been sending condolences as well as soberly reflecting on whether they’re also screwed.
Updates from the campaign trail:
Posting an image of himself to wasteof wearing a balaclava and sunglasses as well as making gestures to the camera, voters are now confused as to whether Oren is an ICE agent or a member of MS13 that needs to be sent to El Salvador.
Apologising for writing excessively long posts on wasteof, Kiwi has promised to rewrite all of his posts into Wingdings to win back voters.
Forgetting they were still on the air on lesser news outlet MSNBC, The-Owlsss said “I ain’t scared of any assassins! I’ve played all the Assassin Creed games! Yeehaw!”
Hello Thrat, we here in The Wasted Onion newsroom saw your post admitting to murdering TallPeter and that you may kill Oren if we don’t write about you. Well, here you are, you are in The Only News Source, soak up all that attention you crave and heed the killings.
Through these turbulent times, V1 is still mentioned in The Wasted Onion unlike those slackers at CNN and Fox News.
In a shocking revelation, Pufferfish101007 has not added more to their manifesto at a later date even though it is now a later date.
WannaBeRose didn’t have time to insult us today due to mourning the loss of TallPeter, a truly towering tall guy taller than all the other tall people who are tall but not as tall as TallPeter.
