Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
Find more kick-ass journalism at our website: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Trump Invites Jeffrey Epstein On Stage To Explain There No Conspiracy
https://theonion.com/trump-invites-jeffrey-epstein-on-stage-to-explain-there-no-conspiracy/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: New Wasteof For Android Update Automatically Deletes All Of Your Shitty Posts
By The Wasted Onion: ‘The Wasted Onion Are Frauds And A Waste’ Says Anonymous Former Employee
ST. ANDREWS, SCOTLAND—Accusing The Only News Source of various salacious offences in an interview with lesser news outlet Channel 4 News, an anonymous former employee of The Wasted Onion said the news organisation were “frauds and a waste” during their time at the publication. “The Wasted Onion are frauds and a waste. These guys would waste some of the funniest headlines ever because they supposedly weren’t good enough. The amount of headlines that they’d reject from me were insane, they didn’t deserve me,” said the anonymous source in a televised interview on lesser news program Channel 4 News while being sat behind an obnoxiously large plant to obstruct their face and make them seem like a shortarse. “They would throw out headlines that would clearly split the sides of everyone who reads their paper or wasteof profile. Heck, they’d probably rupture a few organs too. But supposedly they have standards!” North Korean hackers funded by The Wasted Onion hijacked Channel 4 soon after the interview to broadcast “Thick of It” by KSI as punishment for showing the interview. At press time [HELLO DARREN, IT’S JAMES, JAMES BLOND. ONLY YOU CAN SEE THIS. YOU’VE BEEN SMEARING THE WASTED ONION’S NAME. THEY HAVE HIRED ME TO DEAL WITH YOU. SEE YOU SOON], The Wasted Onion said it does not know who the source was.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @cheesewhisk3rs, thank you!
If I Take A Bullet For My Child, How Will They Learn To Take Bullets Themselves?
https://theonion.com/if-i-take-a-bullet-for-my-child-how-will-they-learn-to-take-bullets-themselves/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Praises Keir Starmer’s Good English
WASHINGTON—Expressing surprise at the PM’s articulate grasp of language, President Donald Trump praised British Prime Minister Keir Starmer’s good English. “Such good English, where did you learn to speak so beautifully? Were you educated? Where?” said Trump with his interest piqued as if he were a child let loose inside a candy store during a phone call with Starmer. “Oh that’s very interesting, beautiful English. I have people at this table who can’t speak English nearly as well,” said an astonished Trump after Starmer said he learnt how to speak English in England as an Englishman by other English people who also spoke English because they were also English. When asked to clarify who he meant when he said other people at the table couldn’t speak English nearly as well as the British Prime Minister, Trump bluntly pointed to Secretary of Health and Human Services RFK Jr. without saying a word. At press time, Trump remarked that Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney was “possessed” after hearing him speak English and then French during a press briefing which was broadcast on lesser news outlet Fox News, with a headline that read “MARK CARNEY SPEAKS THE DEVIL’S TONGUE” as presenter Sean Hannity spoke in modulating tones of fear.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
White House Evacuated After Trans Alarm Goes Off
https://theonion.com/white-house-evacuated-after-trans-alarm-goes-off-2/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Router Owned By Jeffalo Found To Be Working Under Conditions Against Geneva Conventions
DOJ Removes All Mentions Of Justice From Website
https://theonion.com/doj-removes-all-mentions-of-justice-from-website/
By The Wasted Onion: DVD Sales Of ‘Open Season’ Mysteriously Spike
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Perplexing online stores, streaming services, Hollywood insiders and entertainment journalists alike, Sony Pictures Animation have announced a large and mysterious spike in DVD sales of the 2006 animated children's film “Open Season” since June 5th. “Over the last month beginning roughly June 5th 2025, we have seen a spike in DVD sales of Open Season via all vendors that offer the film. We have yet to find the reason for this unexplained uptick in sales,” said a press release by Kristine Belson, President of Sony Pictures Animation. “I’ve seen some weird spikes in my time, but this one takes the cake. I’ve spoken to people across the entertainment industry and no one can seemingly pin down why this spike is happening to a 2006 kids movie. Online all I can gleam is that people seem interested in the scene where Shaw, the hunter, purposely swerves off the road and hits Elliot the deer with his truck in a flashback just after he said Elliot ran in front of his truck. But I can’t seem to make a connection as to why this has caused people to buy the film in droves,” said Dade Hayes, business editor at lesser publication Deadline. At press time, experts have begun examining what other events may have happened on June 5th to cause the spike, from politics to potentially even video game releases.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Trump Posts Entirety Of ‘I Just Shat Myself In My Maths Exam’ On Truth Social
ICYMI: Something Forbidden Stirs Deep Within Trump After He Sees Political Cartoon Depicting Him As Chicken
By The Wasted Onion: New York Times Posts Op-Ed Demanding Zohran Mamdani Share His Wife If He Truly Socialist
By The Wasted Onion: Analysis Finds Apple TV+ Has 46 Monthly Users
CUPERTINO, CA—Leaving the tech giant and its investors scrambling to soften the blow of recent news regarding its streaming service, an analysis conducted by Statista has found that Apple TV+ only has 46 monthly users in total as of July 2025. “After an exhaustive investigation into usage patterns and other data, we have been able to conclude that Apple TV+ has a mere 46 monthly users since its launch in November 2019,” said a report published to Statista’s website Sunday. “Our research has also found that while the service had 100s of TV series and films available, we were only able to find that Severance and Ted Lasso were the only offerings that were viewed at all.” Researchers also reached out to some of the service's 46 users, finding they were all surprised to learn that Tom Hanks starred in a film produced for the streamer called Greyhound. When asked for comment, a spokesperson for Apple said that it expects to boost subscriber numbers to a whopping 50 by the end of this quarter, mainly through secret charges hidden in its iTunes terms of service.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @thrat, thank you!
ICYMI: Elon Musk Scrubs X Of Jewish Users Who Made Grok Mad
https://theonion.com/elon-musk-scrubs-x-of-jewish-users-who-made-grok-mad/
By The Wasted Onion: @Late Shocks Nation, Arrives To Inauguration On Time
THE INTERNET—Causing surprise across the social media site over their remarkable timekeeping skills, wasteof user and vice president-elect Late turned up to their and president-elect Kiwi’s inauguration on time. “Late? You’re here on time? What in the world? You’re never on time for anything, not even your own birth,” said Kiwi in astonishment as he saw Late arriving at the inauguration with time to spare in case certain aspects of the event run over their expected length. “I mean, wait, let me check that my watch is set to the right time. Wow, okay, it is. How did you do this man? Like seriously, you have always been late to everything, and now suddenly you’re not just on time, you’ve got minutes to spare? I don’t even recognise you anymore.” Fellow wasteof users attending the inauguration shared similar surprise at the situation, with site owner Jeffalo expressing astonishment that the vice-president elect was on time and that this joke was still going. During a brief interview with The Wasted Onion before being sworn in, Late said they were “tired of being defined by my namesake, I want to be more than Late, I want to be Early” before quietly sobbing.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
