Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
Find more kick-ass journalism at our website: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
The Wasted Onion Magazine: Crappy End Of The Stall: How Bathroom Companies Invented Gender To Sell More Bathrooms
ICYMI: White House Doctor: Trump Has Far More Bones Than Any Prior President
https://theonion.com/white-house-doctor-trump-has-far-more-bones-than-any-prior-president/
ICYMI: Jeffrey Epstein: Bad Pedophile
Unlike anything you’ve already seen about Jeffrey Epstein, this documentary uncovers the truth behind one of America’s most notorious perverts. This is Jeffrey Epstein: Bad Pedophile.
https://theonion.com/the-onion-investigates-jeffrey-epstein/
ICE Boasts Zero Murders Committed By 5-Year-Olds Since Child Detainments Began
https://theonion.com/ice-boasts-zero-murders-committed-by-5-year-olds-since-child-detainments-began/
By The Wasted Onion: ‘The Wasteof.money Movie’ Unveiled With Blaze Direct-To-Streaming Series In Development
THE INTERNET—Jubilantly revealing details about the new greenlit theatrical project Friday, wasteof.money owner Jeffalo has announced “The Wasteof.money Movie” as the first instalment in a new obscure social media platform cinematic universe, with a direct-to-streaming series about Blaze currently in development. “I am excited to announce that the first instalment in the obscure social media platform cinematic universe, The Wasteof.money Movie, is now officially happening! I can’t tell you just how special this moment is for this platform, to have our very own blockbuster movie about this site is just the most wonderful way to waste a shit ton of money. And we aren’t stopping there! We’re also wasting more money by currently developing a direct-to-streaming series all about Blaze, from disaster to death!” read a post made by the wasteof owner to his account, sharing cast details with Chris Pratt playing Jeffalo, Adam Sandler as wasteof President Kiwi, Jack Black as Vice President Late and Restaurant Brands International CEO Joshua Kobza, who owns Tim Hortons, as ILoveTimHortons. “We have some awesome stuff coming up, not just do we have this wasteof movie on the way and the Blaze TV show in development, we also have other ideas for the cinematic universe, such as a spinoff movie for the wasteof movies villain postLit, as well as a short for Darflen. If we get enough profit we could probably also squeeze in a Meower movie too, maybe set it back in Victorian times." Alongside the announcement, streaming service FlopoRodoGoLo+ Pro HBO Max Mini Air said it would be exclusively streaming the upcoming wasteof movie and in development Blaze TV series. At press time, Jeffalo announced that Rich Lee, director of the 2025 adaptation of “War of the Worlds” for Amazon Prime was set to direct the wasteof movie.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
Israel Agrees To Go Back To Killing Palestinians On Less Frequent Basis
https://theonion.com/israel-agrees-to-go-back-to-killing-palestinians-on-less-frequent-basis/
MacArthur ‘Genius Grant’ Awarded To Inventor Of Eatin’ Shirt
https://theonion.com/macarthur-genius-grant-awarded-to-inventor-of-eatin-shirt/
By The Wasted Onion: Autism CEO Making Killing Off Of Selling Tylenol Right Now
WICHITA, KS—Excitedly announcing the huge spike in revenue over the last month, the anonymous CEO of autism has said they are making a killing selling Tylenol right now. “I cannot tell you how much money we here at autism are making selling Tylenol at record levels. Ever since President Trump and RFK Jr. said there is a supposed link between the painkiller and autism, we have been making absolute bank handing out these lil caplets out like its trick or treat!” said the CEO while shrouded in darkness in a video posted online. “Our cash cow used to be selling MMR vaccines since there are so many morons who seem to think those caused autism, but Tylenol has really taken off, so many people are gonna think they’re gonna get some ‘quirky’ form of autism that everyone romanticises on social media, but in reality, they’re getting nothing but Tylenol. Get fucked, idiot!” In reaction, the White House and Department of Health and Human Services in a joint statement said they were “deadly serious” when it claimed Tylenol was linked to autism, claiming that “the worms told us, the worms are always correct. ALL HAIL THE WORMS!” At press time, the CEO of measles was seen reportedly pumping their fist in the air after learning that cases of the disease have reached record highs in the United States.
Slipknot Travels To India To Begin Psychedelic, Free-Love Phase Of Career
https://theonion.com/slipknot-travels-to-india-to-begin-psychedelic-free-love-phase-of-career/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Study: Not Saying The Wasted Onion Is Your Favourite Wasteof User On Jeffalo's Post Rises Chances Of Explosive Diarrhoea By 87%
Travis Kelce Gets Cold Feet After Listening To New Taylor Swift Album
https://theonion.com/travis-kelce-gets-cold-feet-after-listening-to-new-taylor-swift-album/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Throws Tantrum Online After Visiting Holiday Inn Express Where Room Didn’t Include So Much As A Mint On Pillow
WASHINGTON—Furiously typing on his smartphone after his experience at the hotel chain, U.S. President Donald Trump threw a tantrum online after visiting the Holiday Inn Express Washington DC Downtown where his room didn’t even include so much as a mint on his pillow. “A REAL DISGRACE took place at the Holiday Inn Express Washington DC Downtown that I visited today - The FRAUDS at the Weak and failing IHG couldn’t even be BOTHERED to put a single MINT ON THE PILLOWS! The losers running this sorry Hotel are likely part of the TERRORIST Group ANTIFA! Along with Sleepy Joe and Woke Radical Left lunatics, they have WAGED WAR on putting MINTS ON PILLOWS in the Name of Evil DEI Programs!! America DESERVES the right to walk into a hotel Room and find a MINT on their PILLOWS! Thank you for your attention to this matter. President DJT,” said the first of 148 Truth Social posts about the Holiday Inn location. “Starting immediately, we will begin the process to PROSECUTE the Owners of IHG for the SINISTER AND WOKE REMOVAL OF MINTS ON PILLOWS! Americans deserve to have a Mint on their pillows when they visit a Hotel. We will Eliminate this WOKE AGENDA BY THE SLEEPY RADICAL ANTIFA LEFT LUNATICS! Thank you for your attention on this matter. MAKE HOTEL PILLOWS MINT AGAIN! MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! President DJT,” said the 148th post made to the president's Truth social account. In response, a spokesperson for IHG Hotels & Resorts said that the reason mints were not left on pillows anymore was due to tariffs that made the cost of mints 1000% more expensive due to the president's tariffs, explaining that the company would “go goddamn bankrupt” if it were to continue the practice. At press time, Democrats claimed that Trump's threats of prosecution against IHG upper management were “un-American,” but that they were not willing to do anything to help curb the attacks, with Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) saying that Holiday Inn hotels “are complete shit,” before remarking he will “just let Donald do what he’s gonna do.”
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
ICYMI: Inside Of Light Fixture Everything Moth Dreamed And More
https://theonion.com/inside-of-light-fixture-everything-moth-dreamed-and-more/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Identity Of Wasteof User @ILoveTimHortons Found To Be Sentient Tim Hortons Franchise
By The Wasted Onion: President Kiwi Urges Public Not To Delete Their Old Abandoned Minecraft Xbox 360 Edition Worlds, Cites Personal Experience
THE INTERNET—Pleading with the public in a pre-recorded statement from the Crack House, wasteof President Kiwi urged the public not to delete their old Minecraft Xbox 360 worlds, citing his own personal experience as a reason for issuing the statement. “My fellow citizens, I am speaking to you from the Crack House to urge you to not delete your abandoned Minecraft Xbox 360 Edition worlds. Washing your old worlds to the sands of time is one of the most painful experiences one can experience, one that never truly leaves you. You may think it’s not a big deal, but trust me when I say this; it is. I myself have done this very act out of pure arrogance, thinking that losing my old world on my Xbox 360 would mean nothing to me, but in reality, I was a changed man after I did the unthinkable,” said the president as tears fell down his face. “I honestly never wanted to talk about this, about the pain of losing all of my old Minecraft worlds on my Xbox 360, my youth, gone within a blink of an eye out of my own stupidity, I will never get back what I lost. Trust me, I begged Mojang for years to give me them back, but alas, there was no way to get them back, now I must live with the trauma of never seeing Mr. Fluffy Butt again.” After completing his remarks, the video continued for another 2 minutes, with the president mourning the loss of Mr. Fluffy Butt, his dog that he tamed in one of his many now deleted Minecraft worlds. At press time, Minecraft developers Mojang sent a letter of apology to President Kiwi, with reports that the letter read “who the fuck are you and what the hell is wasteof?”
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
