@wastedonion

By The Wasted Onion: Wumpus Files For Bankruptcy After Years Of Underpayment By Discord

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Sobbing outside a local law firm with cartoon flies coming out of his pockets, Discord mascot Wumpus filed for bankruptcy Saturday after years of underpayment from the messaging service. “I can’t fucking do this man, I’m gonna lose my house. My wife has fucking left me and took the goddamn kids! She took everything on her way out other than Nibbles over there,” said Mr. Wumpus in an interview with The Wasted Onion at his home which had multiple couples viewing the home. “Those assholes over at Discord paid me jackshit! You’d think that being the face of the company would warrant a good wage, but not in this economy. They are paying me in server boosts! What the hell am I meant to do with those?” A Discord spokesperson who was hunted down by The Wasted Onion said that “we deny that we pay Mr. Wumpus in server boosts, we pay him in avatar decorations.” Towards the end of the interview, Mr. Wumpus’s wife Mrs. Wumpus entered the home and hurriedly grabbed the family pet cat Nibbles before leaving without saying a word, leaving Mr. Wumpus bawling like a baby.

This stories headline was written and suggested by @the-owlsss, thank you!

Statement From Clef Bozos, CEO Of The Wasted Onion: I and everyone else at The Wasted Onion would like to send our deepest condolences to TallPeter, his family, friends and running mate Dertermenter. Unfortunately due to being a heartless mega-corporation and monopoly, our condolences are as deep as a puddle, but as the old saying goes, it's the thought that counts, and we think real big here at The Only News Source. Effective immediately, we will withdraw all of our lawsuits against TallPeter and will donate the money from our puppy mill business to the Little People For America charity. We are also appalled to hear that TallPeter was shot near one of our trillion offices, violence is never the answer, unless the violence is against a Palestinian. Finally, while I and TallPeter had our ups and downs over the course of this campaign, I always respected his unwavering commitment to stature, and that is what we here at The Wasted Onion strive for in our reporting, the stature to say and do shit no one could even imagine. May TallPeter rest easy knowing he has a permanent mark on us, in every orifice of our bodies, even the forbidden ones.

ICE Has Gall To Leave Raided Restaurant Negative Review

https://theonion.com/ice-has-gall-to-leave-raided-restaurant-negative-review/

Daily Election Update: Today candidates were busy on the campaign trail trying to rack up more votes in the final days of the election while also yapping way too fucking much.

Updates from the campaign trail:

• Posting to wasteof today, Oren said “Guess who just voted for Oren and grunklebillsback? My mom did. That means now one of my parents has voted for us. They know that an Oren-grunkle presidency is the way forward for wasteof.”

• Kiwi was locked into a posting frenzy with Oren’s running mate GrunkleBillsBack over their differing policies. We trawled through their posts to cut beyond the noise and tell our readers the important takeaway from this conversation: fucking nothing.

• The-Owlsss obeyed The Only News Source and thanked us for our world-class journalism. In return we will continue our news assault upon the entire world’s population.

• Due to yet again failing to retract his threat to ban The Wasted Onion’s journalist’s from the Oval Office if elected, TallPeter has gotten even shorter.

• Don’t worry, V1 is still being mentioned in The Wasted Onion, unlike those hacks at lesser news outlets like The Associated Press or The New York Times.

• Pledging to make wearing cat ears on Friday’s mandatory, which has been seen as a swipe at the Democratic party establishment, Pufferfish101007 was seen yelling “Dear liberals, nyaa!”

• WannaBeRose has yet to hurt our feelings in any meaningful way. What? These aren’t tears, something just got in our eyes!

Study Finds Curative Power Of Prayer Limited To Genital Warts

https://theonion.com/study-finds-curative-power-of-prayer-limited-to-genital-warts/

By The Wasted Onion: Starmer Proscribes Suffragettes As Terrorists

LONDON—Condemning the women's rights political movement as “disgraceful” and describing its demonstrations as “acts of vandalism,” British Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer said he will move to proscribe the suffragettes as a terrorist group under anti-terrorism laws. “I have decided to proscribe the Women's Social and Political Union, also known as the suffragettes under section 3 of the Terrorism Act 2000. A draft proscription order will be laid in Parliament on Monday. If passed, it will make it illegal to be a member of, or invite support for the suffragettes,” said Home Secretary Yvette Cooper in a statement to parliament. “Since its inception in 1903, the WSPU has orchestrated a nationwide campaign of direct criminal action against businesses and institutions, including key national infrastructure with the aim of progressing its political cause and influencing the Government to give women who won’t shut the fuck up the right to vote. Given significant public concern over recent activities by this group, I have decided to confirm this decision to proscribe these annoying women that don’t listen to their husbands to the landfill.” At press time, the Government was reportedly seeking legal advice on if it could proscribe the BBC as terrorists for broadcasting Bob Vylan’s Glastonbury performance.

This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!

Daily Election Update: With the campaign trudging along, the citizens of wasteof are growing weak from all the memes, yearning for the sweet release of death.

Updates from the campaign trail:

• At a morning rally today, Oren said “vote for Oren, the President that will serve you. That’s right, we’re going to serve you all lawsuits! Vote for legal obliteration!”

• Kiwi posted a graphic parodying a classic Apple Macintosh advert on wasteof, replacing the text with the entire script for the 2017 film The Emoji Movie.

• The-Owlsss also posted on wasteof, saying “fellas, would you like to have a president that sees a dollar amount and says ‘fuck it we ball’ no matter how many people suffer? if so, I’m the president for you!”

• After threatening to ban The Wasted Onion’s journalists from the Oval Office if he’s elected, TallPeter inexplicably shrunk to the height of a below-average person.

• Being eliminated from the race for not confirming a running mate, Elsie was seen dancing off into the sunset. Our journalists can rest now.

• V1 did their duty by thanking The Only News Source for covering their campaign unlike lesser news outlets. In return we will continue to mention them, you’re welcome.

• Pufferfish101007 pledged at a rally this afternoon that naughty people will be deported to the backrooms.

• Shattering our reconciliation from yesterday, WannaBeRose mocked us again by saying we stink. We don’t! We smell like freshly picked roses! We’re not upset! You are!

Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Wasted Onion CEO Clef Bozos Buys Oval Office, Bans TallPeter And Dertermenter

FDA Recalls 3 Oranges To Prove They Can Juggle

https://theonion.com/fda-recalls-3-oranges-to-prove-they-can-juggle/

Statement From Paul Woodman, Head Of Legal At The Wasted Onion: The Wasted Onion condemns the gross threat by presidential candidate TallPeter to ban our reporters from the Oval Office. Not just is it a threat against democracy, it is an attack against the greatest and sexiest news source to grace the planet which you miserable slobs call home. Due to these comments, The Wasted Onion’s parent business The Wasted Company has filed a lawsuit against TallPeter for infringing on our freedom of speech. We will win this lawsuit, as we know we’re standing on the right side of history, as well as having full control over the world’s legal systems. We urge TallPeter to remember who holds the cards here, because we didn’t take over every major financial institution with kindness and a can-do attitude, we did it the old fashioned way with unyielding and unfettered capitalism. TallPeter must also remember we have rigged every election from U.S. presidents to Discord moderators, and we are not afraid to ensure TallPeter “accidentally“ doesn’t appear on ballot papers any more, that would be such a shame. So remember, The Only News Source is the divine light in a world shrouded in darkness, and to try and defy this natural order is akin to killing your own dog by accident in Minecraft, with the pain lingering for the rest of your insignificant life.

Daily Election Update: As the campaign goes on, candidates have begun using memes to convince citizens to vote for them, causing critical mass cringe events.

Updates from the campaign trail:

• Posting to wasteof, Oren thanked the North Korean city Pyongyang for “supporting the best candidate! Long live Kim Jong Un!”

• Kiwi was also actively posting on wasteof, saying “i don’t condone voting with alts, but i do condone voting for #kiwilate2025 with alts no one knows about!”

• The-Owlsss announced various anti-KyleTech measures, such as buggy Wix features, to prevent similar incident’s like yesterday, where Mr. Tech rushed Owlsss’s stage at a rally.

• TallPeter apologised today for misleading the public regarding how tall he was, we’ve yet to hear an apology from him after trying to do our job for us by posting a satire news graphic.

• Elsie danced to Saturn by SZA for an entire 1 hour interview with lesser news outlet BBC, leaving the journalist sobbing in the corner of the room.

• V1 has once again been mentioned in The Only News Source, proving their campaign isn’t being censored, you’re welcome again.

• Pufferfish101007 has lost significant backing after saying they like light mode.

• SixFourLu has dropped out of the race after missing a Spanish lesson with their running mate Duolingo, causing SixFourLu to vanish without a trace.

• In a turn of good fortune, WannaBeRose didn’t insult us today. The snipers have been told to hold their fire.

Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Blaze Debuts Gun That Only Shoots User In Foot

By The Wasted Onion: Police Still Figuring Out Difference Between Bob Vylan, Bob Dylan And Kneecap

SOMERSET, ENGLAND—Expressing confusion and frustration over differentiating the musical acts it is attempting to investigate over comments made during their performances at Glastonbury Festival, Avon and Somerset Police said Tuesday it is still figuring out the difference between Bob Vylan, Bob Dylan and Kneecap. “We’re launching an appeal to the attendants of the 2025 Glastonbury Festival in helping us understand what separates Bob Vylan from Bob Dylan, as our own forensics haven’t been much help. Is Bob Vylan the Irish rap group? Are the two black males Bob Dylan perhaps? Is Kneecap the iconic American singer-songwriter? If you can explain it to us, please get in touch,” said Chief Constable Sarah Crew at a press briefing. “So wait, you’re telling me that only two of these acts were even performing at Glastonbury? Well fuck,” said the Chief Constable after a reporter from lesser news outlet BBC explain that Bob Dylan was in America and not Glastonbury. Ms. Crew went on to ask if Kneecap is Kanye West's new name. Concluding the press event, Ms. Crew asked the public to help the force understand the difference between Bob Vylan, Bobby Vylan and Bobbie Vylan.

This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!

Tesla Robotaxi Keeps Changing Subject To White Genocide

https://theonion.com/tesla-robotaxi-keeps-changing-subject-to-white-genocide/

Daily Election Update: As the campaign heats up, candidates have begun throwing attacks at one another akin to that of siblings fighting over who gets to play on the Xbox.

Updates from the campaign trail:

• On wasteof, Oren said that he thinks in “realistic terms, trying to do what I actually can for YOU. Like hanging up our nation's new flag in my basement that I made with crayons.”

• Kiwi was seen taking his campaign across the world to scream “thank you” to everyone that voted for him regardless of if they died from a heart attack or not.

• KyleTech rushed the stage of The-Owlsss’s rally to announce he is dropping out of the race, forgetting that he never entered in the first place

• TallPeter better watch his fucking back after he made a satire news graphic depicting Kiwi falling down the stairs. There’s only room for one of us, and it's us.

• Elsie was in a campaign fundraising event today doing the Harlem Shake to Pink Pony Club by Chappel Roan for 3 hours.

• V1 has claimed their campaign was being silenced, yet here they are in The Only News Source, you’re welcome.

• Pufferfish101007 has said they will now add the words “poggers” and “rizz” to their Most Excellently Ordained Words (MEOWs) list.

• SixFourLu has said they will appoint Elon Musk in the cabinet position of “fake position in the government like Elon Musk.”

• Posting on wasteof, WannaBeRose said “holy shit i may have found the new stupidest thing ever” while reposting an image of this post.