Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
Find more kick-ass journalism at our website: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Supreme Court Rules 6-3 That Everyone A Damn Critic
https://theonion.com/supreme-court-rules-6-3-that-everyone-a-damn-critic/
Daily Election Update: Today, wasteof users found out who their candidates were, what they stand for, and just how fucked they are if this is the best we’ve got.
Updates from the campaign trail:
At his first rally, Oren shared details of his plan to create a secret police that will kill anyone who causes drama on the platform, going on to claim the killings will be done by Agent 47.
Speaking on lesser news outlet CNN, Kiwi pledged free Waffle House fights live streamed from The Crack House lawn by building a Waffle House directly facing the Oval Office.
Posting on wasteof, The-Owlsss said “a vote for me is a vote and that vote can go towards me so please vote for me with your vote because you can vote for me so please vote for me.”
TallPeter has pledged at a rally that they will make users shorter than 10 feet be legally required to be chairs for other users that are taller than 10 feet.
Elsie was seen dancing to Creep by Radiohead at a 2 hour Q&A forum without uttering a word before walking off stage.
V1 has promised via a post on wasteof that they will make users “eat, sleep and shit quarters.”
Pufferfish101007 has pledged to make all wasteof users eat cat food on Mondays no matter how much they cry or plead for mercy.
SixFourLu says they will expand the nation's cheese caves into all of your available orifices.
WannaBeRose called us ugly and it didn’t hurt our feelings. Not at all! Our investors say we’re pretty!
From The Wasted Onion Editorial Board: Today The Wasted Onion launches its coverage of the 2025 wasteof elections: War For Crack. Since 1734 The Only News Source has provided the unwashed masses with vital and powerful coverage of all kinds of elections, from national elections that decide our world leaders, to local elections that shape the lives of communities like yours, and every single election of new Reddit moderators that shape the cesspools of the internet. Our work covering this important and highly contested wasteof election will be vast, following candidates along the campaign trail no matter how much they beg us to leave, interviewing voters like you no matter the cost to your personal safety, and so much more. We’ll have graphs and more graphs that explain those graphs as well as comprehensive election night coverage that will help you understand which minorities to scapegoat if your side loses and who will win thanks to us having already rigged this election for our benefit just like so many before. We’re proud to be the best news outlet that will grace all of your senses at all times of the day, do not resist this, it is your duty to consume media. So join us citizens of wasteof as we take democracy for one last spin around the dilapidated care home.
The Wasted Onion will post a daily news update regarding the election and potentially further news.
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Israel Conducts Airstrikes On Glastonbury Festival
By The Wasted Onion: Man Drinks Hand Sanitiser After Reading 60% Alcohol Content; Dies
VOLENDAM, NETHERLANDS—Remembering the “dearly loved” member of the community, the family of local man Noah Jansen announced Sunday that he had died from drinking a bottle of hand sanitiser after reading it had a 60% alcohol content. “We’re heartbroken to announce the untimely death of our beloved Noah. He loved life almost as much as he loved anything that had alcohol in it. Being the stupid drunkard he was, this is not a surprise, but at least he died doing what he loved best; getting shitfaced,” said a statement from the Jansen family's legal representative. “Are you seriously fucking asking me if you should drink hand sanitiser? This was not the shit I imagined I’d be doing in this profession,” said Beatrix Aarle, a Gastroenterologist who spoke to The Wasted Onion while rolling her eyes. “If the Hippocratic Oath didn’t exist I’d say you deserve to die if you’re that much of a dipshit to drink hand sanitiser.” In an exclusive interview with Mr. Jansens mother, she said her son was well known to drink various liquids not meant for human consumption, such as diesel, cyanide, chlorine, and Prime by Logan Paul and KSI.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @the-owlsss, thank you!
Via The Hard Times: New Study Finds that Everything You Thought Was Three Years Ago Was Eight Years Ago
By The Wasted Onion: Jeffalo Won't Endorse Candidate In Wasteof Election To Avoid Swiss Government Arresting Him For Not Having Neutral Stance
ICYMI: Bezos Wedding Guests Delighted By Amazon Worker With Ring Tied To Collar Crawling Down Aisle
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Wasteof @Election Account Announces Candidates Will Fight To The Death In Colosseum
By The Wasted Onion: Flat-Earthers Stunned After Going To Space To Find Earth Is Actually Triangle
HOUSTON, TX—Looking on in complete shock and astonishment at what they were witnessing, a group of flat-earthers sent up into space by NASA were stunned to see that the Earth was neither flat or spherical, but rather triangular. “I don’t know what to say, I’ve spent so many years trying to uncover the government cover-up over the Earth being round. I was certain it was flat, it had to have been. But I’m wrong, its a triangle. My God, now I’m scared of standing on one of the corners, I might get cut,” said Harold Renfield, a flat-earther part of the mission who was seen leaving the space shuttle with tears rolling down his face and a wet patch on his crotch that reportedly smelled of urine. “I’m honestly kinda pissed too, I mean I gave up on the whole Illuminati conspiracy stuff years ago after that fell out of favour and moved on to the flat Earth conspiracy. But now I see the truth, the Illuminati is real, and they control the very shape of the planet! Run!” Mr. Renfield then proceeded to duck under a nearby table and sob like a baby. At press time, the NIH announced it planned to invite conspiracy theorist Alex Jones to show him that the frogs are turning the friggin’ water gay, not the other way around.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @esben, thank you!
RFK Jr.: Vaccines No More Effective Than Drinking Horseshoe Crab Blood Straight
https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-vaccines-no-more-effective-than-drinking-horseshoe-crab-blood-straight/
Slightly Older Sources Report If You Think Body Feels Bad Now, Just Wait
https://theonion.com/slightly-older-sources-report-if-you-think-body-feels-bad-now-just-wait/
By The Wasted Onion: Community Concerned After Man Known For ‘Praising The Divine Light’ Of Coca-Cola Vending Machine Mysteriously Disappears
SWAN HILL, AUSTRALIA—Sparking fears amongst his community for his safety, local man Oliver Walker, known for “praising the divine light” of a Coca-Cola vending machine, has mysteriously disappeared. “We are appealing for information from those that were at a Coca-Cola vending machine on Wednesday 25th of June at 1am in regards to the disappearance of Oliver Walker, who we believe was at one honouring the refreshing powers of the beverage,” said police chief Isla Martin, presenting an empty can of Coca-Cola with kisses all over it, which were confirmed to be that of Mr. Walker, presumably from an early morning cola kissing frenzy. “If you or anyone you know saw a man hugging a vending machine and yelling about his devotion to the Coke Gods, then please get in touch. We are also looking for any donations of Coca-Cola, as we believe we can use it to draw Oliver out like a wild animal.” Locals who spoke to The Wasted Onion at gunpoint said Mr. Walker is a fixture of the area, known for his desire to be sent to Coke Heaven and also adored by executives of The Coca-Cola Company for endlessly drinking their sugar poison. At press time, the police said they had narrowed the search area for Mr. Walker as they believe he maybe in a Coke-induced sugar coma.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @theglasspenguin, thank you!
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Nukes Iraq Instead Of Iran By Accident
WASHINGTON—In a seemingly massive political and strategic blunder, President Donald Trump ordered the nuking of Iraq rather than the intended target of neighbouring Iran. “We have completed our very successful attack on Iraq. A full payload of NUCLEAR BOMBS was dropped on Baghdad. There is no other military in the WORLD that could do something like this. NOW IS TIME TO MOVE ON! Thank you for your attention on this matter,” said a post by the President on Truth Social, causing confused reactions from Trump's allies and opponents alike. “The LAMESTREAM MEDIA and Lefty Lunatics are trying to say I bombed the wrong country. THEY ARE WRONG! I PLANNED TO BOMB IRAN (IRAQ!) ALL ALONG! Thank you for your attention on this matter! DONALD J. TRUMP, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES,” read another post shared mere minutes after the previous in a likely attempt to dispel rumours he did in fact nuke the wrong middle eastern nation. Hours later at a press briefing, Secretary of Defence Pete Hegseth confirmed the U.S. had used 3 nuclear warheads on Iran, or Iraq, interchanging between them while taking swigs from a bottle of Jack Daniels. At press time, sources inside the Pentagon indicated officials were scouring for old boxes filled with unused propaganda from the Bush administration to accuse Iraq of building weapons of mass destruction again.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @eris, thank you!
Bezos Wedding Guests Given Monogrammed Plastic Bottles To Urinate In During Ceremony
