Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
Find more kick-ass journalism at our website: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
By The Wasted Onion: RFK Jr. Announces Cure To Mortality: ‘Just Die Bro’
WASHINGTON—In a bold furthering of his Make American Healthy Again agenda, Secretary of Health And Human Services RFK Jr. announced a definitive cure to mortality Tuesday, advising Americans to "just die bro," to rid themselves of the ailment once and for all.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/rfk-jr-announces-cure-to-mortality-just-die-bro/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @owl, thank you!
Kash Patel Calls For Public’s Help Using Computer
https://theonion.com/kash-patel-calls-for-publics-help-using-computer/
By The Wasted Onion: Strait Of Hormuz Reopens, Closes Again, Reopens, Hold On Now It's Closed, Nope It's Open, Wait It's Closed Again, Fuck It We Give Up
ABU DHABI, UNITED ARAB EMIRATES—Leaving global oil prices in a state of chaos as the Iran war raged on, the Strait of Hormuz reopened Monday before closing again, then reopening for a second time, hold on, it's closed again, nope, it's back open, wait, never mind, it's closed once again, actually, fuck it, we give up.
‘Time To Become Immortal,’ Announces RFK Jr., Exposing Perineum Atop Solar Tower
https://theonion.com/time-to-become-immortal-announces-rfk-jr-exposing-perineum-atop-solar-tower/
By The Wasted Onion: Hitler Debates 20 Leftists On Surrounded
LOS ANGELES, CA—Sparking immediate backlash across social media, Jubilee released a new episode of its popular Surrounded series Sunday featuring Adolf Hitler debating 20 leftists.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/hitler-debates-20-leftists-on-surrounded/
Via The Chaser: FIFA moves World Cup final to Epstein Island following call from Trump
https://chaser.com.au/sport/fifa-moves-world-cup-final-to-epstein-island-trump/
By The Wasted Onion: WHO Confirms Hentaivirus Outbreak On Cruise Ship
GENEVA, SWITZERLAND—Urging the general public to remain calm, the World Health Organisation has confirmed an outbreak of the Hentaivirus Penismonary Syndrome (HPS) on the Villa Marina cruise ship.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/who-confirms-hentaivirus-outbreak-on-cruise-ship/
ICYMI: Trump Sees Hunter Biden Smoking Crack On Wing Of Air Force One
https://theonion.com/trump-sees-hunter-biden-smoking-crack-on-wing-of-air-force-one/
FIFA Admits It Has No Idea Why Soccer Players Walk Out On Field With Little Kids
By The Wasted Onion: Wasted Onion Reporter Found Dead In Long Island, CEO Accused Of Murder
GLEN COVE, NY—Leaving the journalism world in disarray, Toby Tyler, a reporter for The Wasted Onion, was found dead in the early hours of Thursday morning, with The Only News Source's CEO Clef Bozos being accused of murder.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/wasted-onion-reporter-found-dead-in-long-island-ceo-accused-of-murder/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @specialred_, thank you!
One Day I Woke Up And There Were Two Of Me
https://theonion.com/one-day-i-woke-up-and-there-were-two-of-me/
By The Wasted Onion: Farage Visits Clacton For First Time Since Last Election
CLACTON, ENGLAND—Facing mounting scrutiny over millions of pounds of undisclosed financial gifts, Reform UK Leader Nigel Farage has resigned as the MP for Clacton and announced his intention to run in the snap by-election, marking his first visit to the constituency since he won the seat in the last election.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/farage-visits-clacton-for-first-time-since-last-election/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Crowd Boos After Little Boy Steals Foul Ball From Adorable 42-Year-Old Man
https://theonion.com/crowd-boos-after-little-boy-steals-foul-ball-from-adorable-42-year-old-man/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Asks FIFA To Award Four More Goals To USA Scoreline After 4-1 Loss To Belgium
SEATTLE, WA—Following a devastating 4-1 thrashing in its round-of-16 matchup against Belgium, U.S. President Donald Trump confirmed Tuesday he has asked FIFA to award the USA four additional goals to their scoreline.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/trump-asks-fifa-to-award-four-more-goals-to-usa-scoreline-after-4-1-loss-to-belgium/
Report: Trump Made $1.4 Billion As President Off Selling Tupperware To Friends
https://theonion.com/report-trump-made-1-4-billion-as-president-off-selling-tupperware-to-friends/
