Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness”, we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card”.
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Valentine’s Day Special Report: JD Vance Sets Out Little Heart-Covered Mailbox On Desk Just In Case
https://theonion.com/jd-vance-sets-out-little-heart-covered-mailbox-on-desk-just-in-case/
Kendrick Lamar Awarded Nobel Beef Prize
https://theonion.com/kendrick-lamar-awarded-nobel-beef-prize/
Man Allows All Cookies So Website Won’t Be Mad At Him
https://theonion.com/man-allows-all-cookies-so-website-wont-be-mad-at-him/
Musk Signals Willingness To Bid More Than $97 Billion To Acquire Respect
https://theonion.com/musk-signals-willingness-to-bid-more-than-97-billion-to-acquire-respect/
GigSlave Goes Public With $84 Billion Valuation
https://theonion.com/gigslave-goes-public-with-84-billion-valuation/
Genius Outsmarts Bank By Using Credit Card To Pay Off Other Credit Card
https://theonion.com/genius-outsmarts-bank-by-using-credit-card-to-pay-off-other-credit-card/
Super Bowl LIX Special Report: Fox Bleeps Out Entire Kendrick Lamar Performance
ICYMI: Think Tank Called ‘The Himmler Institute’ Assures Nation This All Legal
https://theonion.com/think-tank-called-the-himmler-institute-assures-nation-this-all-legal/
From The Archives: Right-Wingers Criticize Kanye For Not Using Platform To Raise Awareness Of Lesser-Known Nazis
https://theonion.com/right-wingers-criticize-kanye-for-not-using-platform-to-1849847779/
Jealous Trump Boys Try To Convince Father That Barron A DEI
https://theonion.com/jealous-trump-boys-try-to-convince-father-that-barron-a-dei/
Fired FBI Agent Glumly Suction-Cup-Walks Down Side Of Building
https://theonion.com/fired-fbi-agent-glumly-suction-cup-walks-down-side-of-building/
Megachurch Conducts Successful Nuclear Missile Test
https://theonion.com/megachurch-conducts-successful-nuclear-missile-test/
Americans Start Stockpiling Moose Ahead Of Tariffs
https://theonion.com/americans-start-stockpiling-moose-ahead-of-tariffs/
From The Archives: RFK Jr. Vows To Ban Soaps That Smell So Good You Eat A Little
https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-vows-to-ban-soaps-that-smell-so-good-you-eat-a-little/
From The Archives: Forward-Thinking CEO Hoping Company Can Capture New Audience By Making Product Worse In Every Conceivable Way
https://theonion.com/forward-thinking-ceo-hoping-company-can-capture-new-aud-1846058985/
