Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Store Announces Plans To Sell Epstein Birthday Letter As Greeting Card
MANHATTAN, NY—Detailing upcoming items to the president's extensive merchandise operation, the Trump Store has announced plans to sell the president's birthday letter to Jeffrey Epstein as a greeting card. “Wish someone a happy birthday the Trump way with the all-new and instantly iconic Jeffrey Epstein birthday letter greeting card! Featuring universally known lines such as ‘enigmas never age, have you noticed that?’ and ‘may every day be another wonderful secret,’ which are complimented by majestic artwork by Donald Trump depicting the silhouette of a woman with the renowned arcs denoting her breasts, complete with the legendary Donald signature mimicking pubic hair. Don’t wait, pick up the greatest card of all time now!” said the product description on the Trump Store’s official website. “We all know that Epstein is a Democrat HOAX! Just like the Russia, Russia hoax. This so-called letter I wrote is yet more EVIL manipulation from the RADICAL WOKE LEFT trying to SMEAR ME! I did NOT write or sign this letter! But since the WOKE MOB is convinced I did, I will now SELL IT ON THE TRUMP STORE! PURCHASE WHILE STOCKS LAST! PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP,” said the president on Truth Social. The Trump Store also announced a “lush bush” variant of the greeting card, featuring extra copies of the “totally fabricated” signature for “an extra hairy greeting.” At press time, when asked by reporters in the Oval Office why he would sell a birthday message to a notorious paedophile that he claims is fake and a hoax as a greeting card, Trump responded by instructing ICE to deport the entire press pool to somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.
U.S. Citizenship Test To Include 4-Year Imprisonment Section
https://theonion.com/u-s-citizenship-test-to-include-4-year-imprisonment-section/
Trump Claims He Can’t Be Expected To Remember Every Birthday Card He Sends To Child Molesters
RFK Jr. Warns Mistress That Condoms Cause Autism
https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-warns-mistress-that-condoms-cause-autism/
By The Wasted Onion: Met Police Successfully Arrest Protesters Wearing Palestine Action T-Shirts While Migrant Hotel Burnt To Ground In Background
WESTMINSTER, LONDON—Providing an update regarding protests against the UK government’s proscription of Palestine Action as a terrorist organisation, the Metropolitan Police announced Sunday it has arrested individuals wearing Palestine Action t-shirts while a nearby migrant hotel was burnt to the ground. “We can confirm we have detained multiple individuals at a protest in Parliament Square for showing support for a proscribed group under the Terrorism Act 2000. We were also informed of an act of arson on a hotel holding asylum seekers which eventually crumbled to the ground, but hey, you win some you lose some!” said the head of the Met Police Sir Mark Rowley in a statement published to the Met’s official website. “Look, it's simple, if you commit violent acts against minorities, we’ll leave you alone, we just can’t be arsed honestly. But I swear to fucking god if you even think of having any empathy towards Palestinian children currently starving in Gaza because of Israel’s blockade and genocide, then we’re gonna throw the whole book at you very violently,” said Mr. Rowley in a brief interview before being ushered into a private room by civil servants. Moments later, Rowley emerged from the room to inform the press he had been fired as Commissioner of the Met for using the terms “blockade” and “genocide” when discussing the current humanitarian crisis in Gaza. At press time, an 18-year-old Reform member who goes by “Big Dick Dillon” had been announced as the new head of the Met.
Via The Hard Times: Promising Medical AI Technology Detects Disease With Unaffordable Treatment Much Sooner
ICYMI: Kim Jong-Un Arrives At Summit On Slow-Moving, Heavily Fortified Mule
https://theonion.com/kim-jong-un-arrives-at-summit-on-slow-moving-heavily-fortified-mule/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Team Cherry Announce Next Hollow Knight Game Will Be Released In Time For Christmas 4328
Trump Boys Beg Father To Let Them Keep Homeless Man As Pet
https://theonion.com/trump-boys-beg-father-to-let-them-keep-homeless-man-as-pet/
Mourners Unaware They Burying Knockoff Giorgio Armani
https://theonion.com/mourners-unaware-they-burying-knockoff-giorgio-armani/
By The Wasted Onion: [NOTE: Do Not Post Until He Is Actually Confirmed Fucking Dead Or We're In Deep Shit] Donald Trump Dead At 79
WASHINGTON—Leaving the world in shock [TK DOUBLE CHECK TWITTER TO SEE IF IT'S A SURPRISE HE’S CROAKED OR NOT], The White House has announced U.S. President Donald Trump has died [PEACEFULLY OR IN UTTER ANGUISH—COPY FROM NYT ARTICLE] in [TK LOCATION—PROBABLY GOLF COURSE] at the age of 79. Born June 14, 1946 in the New York City borough of Queens, Trump would go on to work at his fathers real estate company [NOTE: DO NOT HARP ON THE BLATANT NEPOTISM OR MAGA WILL CRY] before venturing into other avenues of business like casinos and golf clubs [NOTE: DON’T MENTION BANKRUPTCIES]. Later, Trump would become the host of the hit[?] reality TV series The Apprentice, propelling him to stardom. In 2015, Trump would announce his candidacy for the 2016 presidential election, campaigning as a political outsider and deriding those in the press as “fake news,” [NOTE: DO NOT SOUND BUTTHURT] Trump would go on to win the 2016 election. After losing the 2020 election to Joe Biden, Trump refused to concede and claimed widespread voter fraud, ending in the January 6th riots on Capitol Hill [KEEP IT BRIEF, NO ONE CARES ANYMORE]. In 2024, Trump would win his second term in office after winning against Kamala Harris [NOTE: DON’T RUB IT IN OR DEMOCRATS WILL CRY TOO]. Both of Trump’s terms had so far seen him [LIST WHATEVER WE HAVE TIME FOR AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T MENTION EPSTEIN]. In wake of his death, [TK WHATEVER DUMBFUCK REPLACES THE OLD BITCH—PROBABLY JD VANCE] has taken the oath of office and become the 48th president of the United States, saying [COPY QUOTES FROM AP].
[NOTE: DO NOT FUCKING POST UNLESS HE HAS ACTUALLY FINALLY BITTEN THE DUST, NO NEED FOR A REPEAT OF JIMMY CARTER]
Study Finds Ultra-Processed Foods Make Up Over 50% Of Americans’ Thoughts
https://theonion.com/study-finds-ultra-processed-foods-make-up-over-50-of-americans-thoughts/
By The Wasted Onion: JD Vance Also Unsure Whether Trump Is Dead
WASHINGTON—Expressing confusion regarding the commander-in-chief’s health during an interview, Vice President JD Vance said Tuesday he was unsure whether President Donald Trump was dead or not. “To be completely frank with you, I haven’t got a clue right now if the president is still breathing as we speak right now. For all I know, he could be faced down on his desk in the oval office dead with his hand jammed down a Pringles can,” said the vice president during an interview with lesser news outlet and borderline state-sponsored media Fox News. “The last time I spoke to the president he talked a lot about Heaven and how it didn’t have glamorous penthouses for the real ‘bad boys’ in Hell for some reason. He has a strange sense of humour sometimes, but that's what the American people find so endearing about our president, his unyielding ability to make every word that comes out of his mouth make him seem like an even bigger dickhead.” When asked if he would speak to the president to alleviate rumours suggesting the president was dead, Vance gulped before saying “gee whiz, would you look at the time! I’ve got to have my uh, power nap. Yeah, power nap. It’s tiring being Vice President y’know! Anyway got to go bye bye!” before the vice president dashed to the nearest fire escape. At press time, JD Vance said on his X/Twitter account that he was ready “at the drop of a MAGA hat” to assume the role of president should something happen to Trump before later reiterating that he was “still unsure if anything has happened to the president, such as him hypothetically croaking in the middle of a night after one too many McNuggets.”
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Rudy Giuliani Awarded Presidential Medal Of Incest
https://theonion.com/rudy-giuliani-awarded-presidential-medal-of-incest/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: The Wasted Onion Denies Frantically Writing Slew Of Articles About Donald Trump In Case Of Totally Not Imminent Death
