Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
Find more kick-ass journalism at our website: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
By The Wasted Onion: Inspiring: Student Cheats On Homework Without Using AI
LEEDS, ENGLAND—Pleasantly surprised while marking homework she set her class last week, science teacher Rosalie Watts was impressed to discover that one of her Year 10 students, Lewis Carter, had cheated on the assignment without the help of artificial intelligence.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/inspiring-student-cheats-on-homework-without-using-ai/
From The Archives: Talkative Motherfucker Not So Extroverted Now That Friend Got Off Train
https://theonion.com/talkative-motherfucker-not-so-extroverted-now-that-frie-1826538965/
By The Wasted Onion: Tartan Army Beer Consumption Puts Strain On Strait Of Horbooze
BOSTON, MA—Alarmed that the global supply chain is reaching a breaking point, experts and local bar owners warned Friday that the Tartan Army's consumption of beer during the World Cup is putting immense strain on the Strait of Horbooze, the world's busiest and most strategically important international shipping lane for crude beer.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/tartan-army-beer-consumption-puts-strain-on-strait-of-horbooze/
Man Souring On ISIS After Reading ‘Controversies’ Section Of Militant Group’s Wikipedia
By The Wasted Onion: U.S. To Gift Iran Nuclear Enrichment Starter Kits As Part Of Peace Deal
ÉVIAN, FRANCE—Speaking as G7 leaders met to discuss international affairs, U.S. President Donald Trump confirmed that a proposed peace deal to end the Iran war would see the U.S. gift the Iranian government a series of nuclear enrichment starter kits, with around 5KG of uranium-235 included.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/us-to-gift-iran-nuclear-enrichment-starter-kits-as-part-of-peace-deal/
New York City Mayor Presents Knicks With Key To His Car
https://theonion.com/new-york-city-mayor-presents-knicks-with-key-to-his-car/
Woman Dives Headfirst Into Thrilling Adventure By Blindly Purchasing Different Apple Variety
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Trump Threatens To Reduce Israel Foreign Aid From $11 Billion To $10 Billion If Strikes On Lebanon Continue
Elderly Man Uses Library To Print Out Pornography
https://theonion.com/elderly-man-uses-library-to-print-out-pornography/
By The Wasted Onion: UK Announces Plan To Ban Internet
LONDON—In an effort to curb rising concerns over the dangers of the digital world, British Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer announced plans Monday to ban the entire internet for the over 60 million residents of the UK.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/uk-announces-plan-to-ban-internet/
This article was requested by @esben, thank you!
Back Of Gatorade Bottle Features Recipe For Gatorade Casserole
https://theonion.com/back-of-gatorade-bottle-features-recipe-for-gatorade-casserole/
By The Wasted Onion: Cisgender Man Confused Why Non-Binary Friend Not Speaking In Binary
WILMINGTON, DE—Attempting to be a supportive ally to his gender non-conforming friend, local cisgender man Jack Moss admitted Sunday that he was confused why his non-binary friend, Taylor Foster, did not speak in binary.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/cisgender-man-confused-why-non-binary-friend-not-speaking-in-binary/
From The Archives: Man Hates How Pride Month Has Been Totally Co-Opted By LGBTQ Community
https://theonion.com/man-hates-how-pride-month-has-been-totally-co-opted-by-1847054666/
The Wasted Onion Magazine: Censorship, Brutality, Oppression: Why North Korea Would Make For A Perfect Future Host Of The World Cup
From The Archives: Trump Warns Iran To Accept His Ultimatum Or Face Wrath Of Next Ultimatum
https://theonion.com/trump-warns-iran-to-accept-his-ultimatum-or-face-wrath-of-next-ultimatum/
