Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Travis Kelce Receives Invoice For Girlfriend’s Podcast Appearance
https://theonion.com/travis-kelce-receives-invoice-for-girlfriends-podcast-appearance/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: ‘Cooties!’ Shouts Frightened Zelensky During Hug With Starmer
By The Wasted Onion: Xbox Announces Next ‘Call Of Duty’ Game Will Feature Usage Of Microsoft Azure For Genocide
REDMOND, WA—Excitedly sharing details about the latest instalment in the first-person shooter franchise, Microsoft Gaming CEO Phil Spencer announced Wednesday that the next Call of Duty game will feature usage of Microsoft Azure to promote how its being used to facilitate genocide. “I am super excited to tell you all that the next Call of Duty that’s already in development over at Activision Blizzard will let players try out Microsoft Azure in scenarios where you help aid blood thirsty governments commit genocide!” said Mr. Spencer without blinking and smiling manically. “You’ll help war criminals that are part of extreme authoritarian regimes use Microsoft Azure to build powerful mass surveillance tools that collect and store the communications of oppressed minorities! You’ll then be able to see the fruits of your labour as they use their new toy powered by Azure to indiscriminately bomb civilians!” Spencer proceeded to laugh and giggle like a schoolboy for what witnesses called “an unsettling amount” of time. Concluding the announcement, Phil Spencer said that the upcoming title would feature a mission where the player would take the role of an IDF member launching airstrikes to kill Al Jazeera journalists in Gaza.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Jeff Bezos Mugs Amazon Warehouse Worker At Gunpoint
https://theonion.com/jeff-bezos-mugs-amazon-warehouse-worker-at-gunpoint/
By The Wasted Onion: Democrats Decry Trump For Not Doing Things They Had 4 Years To Do
WASHINGTON—Delivering a blistering rebuke against the president Tuesday, Democrats decried President Donald Trump for not doing things they had 4-years to do when former President Biden was in office. “It is simply a national disgrace that the president hasn’t done almost anything to benefit the public. He has done nothing to protect a woman's right to choose, instead undermining abortion services all over the country. Now I know we were in power when Roe v. Wade was overturned, and we had the opportunity to codify abortion laws or at least do something to protect those rights, but that’s neither here nor there,” said Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) during a speech outside the Capitol. “It’s also very suspicious that Trump has vehemently refused to release the Epstein files, even though the American public deserves to know what happened and what will be done to catch those involved in Epstein’s pedophile ring. Now, I know what you’re going to say, that we had 4-years to release the Epstein files ourselves, and my answer to that is; shut up.” Schumer proceeded to sweat as reporters asked him questions regarding former President Clinton’s involvement with Epstein, before throwing his glasses across the room to distract journalists as he made a break for his office. At press time, President Trump lampooned the Democrats for “destroying the economy,” adding that the Republicans are perfectly capable of doing that all by themselves.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
RFK Jr. Mandates All Americans Drink Mysterious Glowing Liquid
https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-mandates-all-americans-drink-mysterious-glowing-liquid/
By The Wasted Onion: Man Known For ‘Praising The Divine Light’ Of Coca-Cola Vending Machine Found Dead In Remote Swedish Village
VUOLLERIM, SWEDEN—Sharing a harrowing update regarding a beloved community member of Swan Hill, Australian man Oliver Walker, known for "praising the divine light” of a Coca-Cola branded vending machine, has been found dead in the remote Swedish village of Vuollerim, according to Swedish police. “It is with a heavy heart that we can confirm an Australian man fitting the description of Oliver Walker has been discovered in Vuollerim. We do not have a cause of death ascertained yet, but we can confirm he was sipping on the refreshing taste of Coca-Cola Zero Sugar moments before his death” said chief of police Gösta Edgren while holding the can of cola up to the press with the signature Oliver-cola-kiss on the side. “There is no evidence yet as to how Mr. Walker found his way to Vuollerim from Australia, there are no flights where his name appears, nor is there any other form of transport he used, not even that Coca-Cola truck Santa drives in the classic Christmas advert.” Police from Sweden and Australia have theorised Mr. Walker may have entered a state of “Coke-indused psychosis” due to excessive consumption of the fizzy beverage, leading to him unlocking superhuman abilities that allowed him to walk on water from Australia to Sweden while completely naked. At press time, Mr. Walker’s family said they hoped their son was at peace in “Coke Heaven” before cracking open a cold can of Coca-Cola to Taste the Feeling™ of his presence from the Heavens above.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @theglasspenguin, thank you!
By The Wasted Onion: Community Concerned After Man Known For ‘Praising The Divine Light’ Of Coca-Cola Vending Machine Mysteriously Disappears
SWAN HILL, AUSTRALIA—Sparking fears amongst his community for his safety, local man Oliver Walker, known for “praising the divine light” of a Coca-Cola vending machine, has mysteriously disappeared. “We are appealing for information from those that were at a Coca-Cola vending machine on Wednesday 25th of June at 1am in regards to the disappearance of Oliver Walker, who we believe was at one honouring the refreshing powers of the beverage,” said police chief Isla Martin, presenting an empty can of Coca-Cola with kisses all over it, which were confirmed to be that of Mr. Walker, presumably from an early morning cola kissing frenzy. “If you or anyone you know saw a man hugging a vending machine and yelling about his devotion to the Coke Gods, then please get in touch. We are also looking for any donations of Coca-Cola, as we believe we can use it to draw Oliver out like a wild animal.” Locals who spoke to The Wasted Onion at gunpoint said Mr. Walker is a fixture of the area, known for his desire to be sent to Coke Heaven and also adored by executives of The Coca-Cola Company for endlessly drinking their sugar poison. At press time, the police said they had narrowed the search area for Mr. Walker as they believe he maybe in a Coke-induced sugar coma.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @theglasspenguin, thank you!
U.S. Becomes First Country To Recognize Mega-Israel
https://theonion.com/u-s-becomes-first-country-to-recognize-mega-israel/
Via The Shovel: Trump Awards Sydney Sweeney the Medal of Freedom for Services To Distracting From Epstein Files
ICYMI: New Death With Indignity Law Lets Terminally Ill Be Crushed By Falling Vending Machines
RFK Jr. Recommends Eating Good Cancer To Kill The Bad Cancer
https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-recommends-eating-good-cancer-to-kill-the-bad-cancer/
Trump Readjusts Golf Tee In JD Vance’s Mouth
https://theonion.com/trump-readjusts-golf-tee-in-jd-vances-mouth/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Bombshell Investigation Finds Zohran Mamdani Never Paid For WinRAR
Mental Health Experts Advise Struggling Americans To Try Crying About It Like Little Baby
Desperate Trump Attempts To Flush 14-Year-Old Masseuse Down Toilet
https://theonion.com/desperate-trump-attempts-to-flush-14-year-old-masseuse-down-toilet/
