Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
Find more kick-ass journalism at our website: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
By The Wasted Onion: Starmer Fires Entire Government Over Mandelson Vetting Scandal
LONDON—Under mounting pressure to step down due to accusations he misled the House of Commons over how former British Ambassador to the United States Peter Mandelson, who had ties with child sex offender Jeffery Epstein, was improperly vetted for the role, British Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer announced that he would be firing the entire UK Government over the scandal.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/starmer-fires-entire-government-over-mandelson-vetting-scandel/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Trump Warns Iran That U.S. Has Unlimited Stockpiles Of Threats
By The Wasted Onion: Your Party Splits Into 55,000 Separate Competing Parties After Infighting
FINSBURY PARK, LONDON—In the midst of bitter infighting that has resulted in the political party's entire Scottish Executive Committee quitting en masse, Your Party, the left-wing socialist party founded by British MP's Jeremy Corbyn and Zarah Sultana, has split into 55,000 separate competing parties, one per each Your Party member.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/your-party-splits-into-55000-separate-parties-after-infighting/
By The Wasted Onion: OpenAI Shares Plummet After Pivot From AI To Footwear
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—In a bizarre announcement that left the industry in disarray Friday, OpenAI announced that it was planning on pivoting its business from artificial intelligence to footwear, causing shares in the AI research company to go into freefall.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/openai-shares-plummet-after-pivot-from-ai-to-footwear/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Still Polling Well With Americans Kicked In Head By Horse
WASHINGTON—In contrast to his currently declining poll numbers among most Americans, a YouGov poll released Thursday revealed President Donald Trump was still polling strongly with Americans who have been kicked in the head by a horse.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/trump-still-polling-well-with-americans-kicked-in-head-by-horse/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Political Scientists: Correct Time To Ask If Person Antichrist Is After Electing Them President
By The Wasted Onion: U.S. Declares War On Vatican
VATICAN CITY—After escalating tensions between the country and enclave regarding the ongoing Iran war, in the early hours of Tuesday morning, the United States of America has declared war against the Vatican City.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/us-declares-war-on-vatican/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: ‘If We Can't Have It, Then No One Can!’ Says Trump As U.S. Nukes Strait Of Hormuz
By The Wasted Onion: UK Inquiry Into Bad Thing Finds Thing Was Bad
COVENTRY, ENGLAND—Concluding the extensive process of examining the circumstances surrounding a bad thing that left the UK public reeling years prior, a public inquiry has concluded that the bad thing was indeed bad.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/uk-inquiry-into-bad-thing-finds-thing-was-bad/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: U.S.-Iran Peace Talks Put ‘Bad’ In ‘Islamabad’
https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/special/us-iran-peace-talks-put-bad-in-islamabad/
By The Wasted Onion: Heed My Warning, The Mexicans Are Gonna Invade America And Make Us The United States Of Mexico!
My fellow patriots, I come with horrific news that threatens to bring an end to the great American experiment after 250 years of good ol' fashioned americana, and I fear if no one heeds my warning in time, the United States of America will be nothing but a fleeting memory told around campfires.
This story was suggested by @owl, thank you!
By The Wasted Onion: Melania Trump Prompts Confusion After Surprise Speech Denying She Cheated On Husband
WASHINGTON—Causing bafflement across the world as she made a surprise address to the nation from the White House Thursday, U.S. First Lady Melania Trump denied that she has ever cheated on her husband, U.S. President Donald Trump.
The Wasted Onion Magazine: Houston, We Have A Problem: Has The Moon Put On Some Weight Since We Last Visited?
By The Wasted Onion: U.S., Israel, Iran Agree To Wait 2 Weeks Before Destroying Each Other
TEHRAN, IRAN—Following more than a month of intense hostilities between the countries that has shook the world economy and resulted in the death of thousands of Iranian citizens, the U.S., Israel and Iran have agreed to a deal mediated by Pakistan in which the nations will wait 2 weeks before destroying each other.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/us-israel-iran-agree-to-wait-2-weeks-before-destroying-each-other/
By The Wasted Onion: Artemis II Crew Confirm Moon Is An Egg
HOUSTON, TX—Having successfully swung around the far side of the Moon and re-establishing contact with mission control after an expected 40-minute communication blackout, astronauts aboard the Artemis II mission's Orion spacecraft confirmed the Moon was an egg.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/artemis-ii-crew-confirm-moon-is-an-egg/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @juniperrr, thank you!
