Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
Find more kick-ass journalism at our website: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
By The Wasted Onion: Five-Year-Old Boy Aspires To Be U.S. President When He Turns 90
CONCORD, NH—When asked by his teacher Thursday morning what he wanted to be when he grew up, five-year-old Archie Poole said he aspires to be the President of the United States when he turns 90.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/five-year-old-boy-aspires-to-be-us-president-when-he-turns-90/
Dad’s Driving Directions Hinge On Where Old Shell Station Used To Be
https://theonion.com/dads-driving-directions-hinge-on-where-old-shell-station-used-to-be/
By The Wasted Onion: FDA To Replace Red 40 With Blood Of Palestinian Children
WASHINGTON—Following a federal ban on the synthetic food dye Red 40 earlier this year, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced Wednesday that the FDA has authorised a replacement additive in the form of the blood of Palestinian children killed by Israel in Gaza and the West Bank.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/fda-to-replace-red-40-with-blood-of-palestinian-children/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @thrat, thank you!
Trump Unveils New 250-Foot Gilded Catering Container For Presidential Travel
https://theonion.com/trump-unveils-new-250-foot-gilded-catering-container-for-presidential-travel/
By The Wasted Onion: SpecialRed Reaches 100 YouTube Notifications
THE INTERNET—After a gruelling endurance test consisting of doing absolutely nothing for countless hours, wasteof user SpecialRed has achieved the unthinkable by reaching 100 unread notifications on their YouTube account.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/specialred-reaches-100-youtube-notifications/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @specialred_, thank you!
Pete Hegseth Orders Military Blockade Of Woman Attempting To Walk Away From Him
The Wasted Onion Newspaper: 2026 Wasteof Election Special
https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/print/the-wasted-onion-newspaper-2026-wasteof-election-special/
White House Taps Mean Teen In Zara Fitting Room As New Press Secretary
https://theonion.com/white-house-taps-mean-teen-in-zara-fitting-room-as-new-press-secretary/
Election Coverage: Thrat Assassinates Competition To Become Wasteof President
THE INTERNET—After a gruelling campaign that pitted candidates against one another in a brutal battle to claim the keys to the Crack House, Thrat has officially become the third president of wasteof.money after ruthlessly assassinating their opponents.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/thrat-assassinates-competition-to-become-wasteof-president/
Via NewsThump: Novelty candidate wins Clacton by-election
https://newsthump.com/2026/08/14/novelty-candidate-wins-clacton-by-election/
Election Coverage: Experts On Integrity Of Wasteof Election: ‘What?’
OXFORD, ENGLAND—Amid presidential candidate EvilJeffalo questioning the integrity of the election's rules Friday, The Wasted Onion reached out to leading election experts for their analysis, finding they resoundingly agreed they had no clue what wasteof is.
By The Wasted Onion: I Am Pleased To Announce The Kiwi-Late Administration Endorses Count Binface For Wasteof President
Hello wasteof users, for it is I, EngineerRunner. The Kiwi-Late administration has been busy contemplating who would be the best fit to replace us as the election draws to a close. It's been a long and arduous process, but alas we have arrived at a decision. As your Secretary of Propaganda, I am pleased to do my job for the first time and announce that the Kiwi-Late administration is officially endorsing Count Binface, the leader of the Recyclons from the planet Sigma IX, for wasteof president.
This piece was suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Elsewhere On The Campaign Trail:
Thrat Prematurely Declares They Jeffalo Now
EvilJeffalo Vows To Make Everyone Read The Wasted Onion Or Face Death Penalty
Fact Check: Juni Not Hurt Anybody Yet Even Though She Losing
Owl Burns Her Eyes With Her Own Post
Full coverage: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/experts-on-intregrity-of-wasteof-election-what/
ICYMI: Karoline Leavitt Slams Toddler Son Over Baseless Accusations That Caterpillar Very Hungry
Election Coverage: Owl Says Wasteof5 Will Feature Button That Drops Anvil On Other Users Heads
THE INTERNET—Expanding on her campaign promise to finish wasteof4 and begin work on its successor, presidential candidate Owl said Friday that wasteof5 will feature a button to drop an anvil onto the heads of other users.
By The Wasted Onion: Thrat Assassinated TallPeter Last Year So We'd Have A Better Chance Of Winning This Year
Hello, my fellow wasteof.money users. As many of you know, I am running in this year's presidential election. I've already shared how I plan to make wasteof even better, such as finishing wasteof4, starting wasteof5, and wearing former President Kiwi's skin. Now, of course I believe my opponent, Thrat, is not a suitable candidate, but even they have one thing that bodes well for them in my view: the fact they assassinated 2025 presidential candidate TallPeter, thereby giving all of us a much better chance of winning this year.
This piece was suggested by @owl, thank you!
Elsewhere On The Campaign Trail:
Thrat-Eris Campaign Disavows Links To Darflen, Clarifies They Use Blaze Instead
EvilJeffalo Accidentally Boosts Thrat's Poll Lead After Accusing Them Of Murder
Juni Vows To Poop On Wasteof Server To Mark Her Territory
LandonHere Promises Cheap Catgirl Transformations
Full coverage: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/owl-says-wasteof5-will-feature-button-that-drops-anvil-on-other-users-heads/
Trump Downplays Significance Of Trump Tower Found On Epstein Island
https://theonion.com/trump-downplays-significance-of-trump-tower-found-on-epstein-island/
Election Coverage: Thrat And Eris Go Insane After Telepathically Reading Each Other's Thoughts
THE INTERNET—Following the bombshell announcement that the two campaigns would merge into one, presidential candidate Thrat and vice presidential candidate Eris went insane Thursday after forming a telepathic link and reading each other's thoughts.
By The Wasted Onion: I Took A Bribe To Commit Murder, But Owl And Juni Are Even More Unfit For Office
Hi guys! It is me, presidential nominee Thrat! I would firstly like to thank all of my loyal voters[?], who are ensuring a bright and prosperous wasteof.money [EDITOR'S NOTE: Bold of you to assume wasteof was ever bright or prosperous]. My rant’s primary service is not to serve as political propaganda [EDITOR'S NOTE: Keep telling yourself that, pal] so that more people vote for me (although I’d love that, thank you!), but as a stern warning to my fellow wasteof.money users about the dangers of electing someone like Owl or Juni.
This piece was written by @thrat, thank you!
Elsewhere On The Campaign Trail:
EvilJeffalo Surges In Polls For Pledging To Make Wasteof A Dictatorship
Narcissistic Jeffalo Votes For Owl So He Can Learn What Her Kindly Worded Letter Says
Juni's Real Name Revealed To Be ‘Figel Narage’
Full coverage: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/thrat-and-eris-go-insane-after-telepathically-reading-each-others-thoughts/