@auriali

as we all know the wasted onion reports the news before it happens

its a more "full" article if that makes sense, is about ~900 words long and is 10 paragraphs, lemme know what you think

Happy Trans Day Of Visibility!

more headlines:

1. How To Watch The Oscars, As If You Give A Fuck
2. Those Born Too Early To Be Deployed To Middle East Born Just In Time To Be Deployed To Middle East
3. U.S. Announces Monthly Release Schedule For New Wars
4. International Law About As Meaningful As Laws In ‘Grand Theft Auto V’
5. Geneva Conventions Renamed To Geneva Suggestions

more headlines because its like the only thing i feel i can do to keep myself sane lol:

1. Netanyahu Says War With Iran Will Not Be Endless As Sun Will Explode In 5 Billion Years

2. Netanyahu Gave Trump McDonald's Gift Card In Exchange For War With Iran, Says Insider

3. Nation Allowed To Talk About Epstein Again After DOW Drops Below 50,000 Due To Iran War

4. Iran Claims Airstrikes Are ‘Woke’ In Hopes Of Deterring Further U.S. Strikes

5. ‘We Are Not Fighting Israel's War’ Says Trump With Gun Pointed At Him By Netanyahu

6. Talk Page For Wikipedia Article On Iran War More Thorough Than Israel-U.S. War Plans

7. Wikipedia Article For Iran War Changing Faster Than You Change Underwear

8. ‘Peace Through Strength’ Just Marketing Gimmick

9. Pentagon Typo Accidentally Refers To ‘Operation Epic Fury’ As ‘Operation Epic Furry’

10. ChatGPT Reassures Trump That ‘Operation Epic Fury’ Is Cool Name For Operation

11. ‘Hold My Hand’ By Jess Glynne Plays As First UK Government Flight Evacuating Britons Departs Middle East

12. Trump Mourns His Polling Numbers

13. Pete Hegseth Drunkenly Sends Planned Airstrikes To Iran On Signal

14. ‘Fuck It We Ball’ Says Congress As It Sends Entire U.S. Budget To Israel

a ton of headlines i wrote the last few days:

1. Renaming Department Of Defence To Department Of War Starting To Make Sense Now

2. Makeshift Mar-A-Lago Situation Room Sponsored By Coca-Cola

3. Dubai Chocolate Pretty Underwhelming Given Challenge Of Surviving Iranian Airstrikes To Get It

4. Bush Just Happy To See Middle East Being Bombed Again

5. ‘Please Just One More War Bro’ Says Pleading U.S. Government

6. UN Orders U.S., Israel, Iran Sit On Naughty Step

7. Iranians Solemnly Do The Conga In Memory Of Khamenei

8. Democrats Mad They Left Out Of Watching Bloodshed During Iran Strikes

9. Trump Awarded FIFA War Prize

10. ‘Some Of You May Die, But It's A Sacrifice I Am Willing To Make’ Says Trump On Possibility Of More U.S. Military Deaths In Iran Conflict

11. ‘First Time?’ Says Gazan Children To Iranian Children After Being Bombed By Israel

12. Iran Selects JD Vance As New Supreme Leader

13. U.S., Israel Stop Airstrikes After Iran Claims It Gay To Start War In Middle East

14. Arms Manufacturers Throw Party To Celebrate New War They Can Supply Weapons For

15. UN Says International Law Was Fun While It Lasted

16. Peace In The Middle East Sounded Pretty Boring Anyway

17. ‘I Want You To Die For The Paedophilic Elite!’ Says New U.S. Army Recruitment Poster

18. ‘You Get An Airstrike! And You Get An Airstrike! And You Get An Airstrike! Everybody Gets An Airstrike!’ Says Iran To Entire Middle East

19. Starmer Allows U.S. To Use UK Military Bases After Receiving Free Tickets To Kid Rock Concert

as you likely suspect, i’ve been writing headlines for what has been happening in iran and the wider region today, i didn’t share any so far on the wasted onion as i forgot its the end of the month, meaning i am sharing the newspaper for this month, i did quickly cram in a headline about it, but just didn’t have time for a full article, and i don’t want to bombard you with 3 posts from the wasted onion today, so i’ll share the headline i landed on in the end here instead:

not as much as jeffalo loves Tim Hortons

I hope it didn't break it's back when it fell

happy 19 birthday to larry the cat, chief mouser in 10 downing street. he has seen 6 uk prime ministers and 2 monarchs during his 15 years at no 10. will genuinely be upset when he passes (which hopefully still isn’t for a long time), forget the death of elizabeth ii, i will be actually be sad when larry passes, better be a proper 10 days of mourning, state funeral, the whole 9.

the best thing about that whole tpusa halftime show was how the dude at the start said “this one’s for you charlie!“ before what i can only describe as complete dogshit music ensued.

finally the GOAT of shitposting on wasteof has returned to show us how it's done

this might be my peak of joke making

here’s the version with no wasted onion filter, i spent quite a bit of time recreating and parodying The Sun’s real front page design (which meant torturing myself by looking at real ones online for reference). its the most ambitious wasted onion magazine cover so far.