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The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
Via The Shovel: Zelensky Says Trump Should ‘Just Accept’ Deal for Canada To Take Over USA
Special Report: Border agents posted at Tucson maternity ward to quickly deport migrant mom
https://tucson.com/news/local/border/article_b024b264-ab3a-4ab9-b39b-cb2a2ff5e7a7.html
ICE Agents Wait At Edge Of Delivery Table To Deport Newborn
https://theonion.com/ice-agents-wait-at-edge-of-delivery-table-to-deport-newborn/
ICYMI: RFK Jr. Encourages Americans To Do Their Own Research About Dragons
https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-encourages-americans-to-do-their-own-research-about-dragons/
‘GTA VI’ Delayed Until Developers Get Grades Up
https://theonion.com/gta-vi-delayed-until-developers-get-grades-up/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Blames Biden Who Blames Trump Who Blames Obama Who Blames Bush Who Blames Clinton For Shrinking U.S. Economy
Trump: Russia Must Be Allowed To Keep Fighting As Part Of Any Ceasefire Deal
https://theonion.com/trump-russia-must-be-allowed-to-keep-fighting-as-part-of-any-ceasefire-deal/
By The Wasted Onion: International Court Of Justice Rules Palestinians Might Not Deserve Genocide
THE HAGUE—Issuing the ruling which has already been seen as a historic moment in international justice, the International Court of Justice has ruled that Palestinians might not deserve to be the victims of genocide. “This court is of the view that the ongoing incessant bombing of Palestinians in Gaza by Israel might not be a totally chill thing to do,” said ICJ president Yuji Iwasawa while reading out the ruling to the courtroom. “It doesn’t matter who your target is, a rival nation’s population, immigrant communities, your own people. This court’s moral and legal principles compel us to firmly tell Israel and the world that it is usually but not always illegal to commit genocide and that Palestinians are no less deserving of the same human rights afforded to us all, probably.” The ICJ’s ruling went on to order that Israel could possibly stop killing so many Palestinians if it finds the time in its lengthy schedule but stressed that it understands those in the Israeli government are busy people and might not have time to consider it for a while. At press time, reports suggested that the ICJ was considering a ruling in which it would declare that the occupation of the West Bank by Israel maybe isn’t that super awesome.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
Elon Musk Creates Federal Employee Revenge Porn Database
https://theonion.com/elon-musk-creates-federal-employee-revenge-porn-database-2/
Trump’s Support Surges After He Points Gun At Nation
https://theonion.com/trumps-support-surges-after-he-points-gun-at-nation/
By The Wasted Onion: White House Marks First 100,000,000 Days Of Trump's Second Term
WASHINGTON—Declaring the milestone as “the most powerful start,” to any U.S. presidential term, Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt recapped the first 100,000,000 days of President Trump’s second term. “In a mere 100 million days, our commander-in-chief has already ushered in a new golden age of American excellence not seen at any time in history,” said Mrs. Leavitt during a press briefing in the West Wing. “Not just has he shown strong leadership, he has also demonstrated his tenacity. Directing the CDC to develop a magnificent serum that has allowed this administration to live far beyond the normal human lifespan, and all we had to do was increase the birthrate enough so that we have enough young blood to keep us perpetually youthful.” Leavitt went on to say that Trump would work tirelessly for the rest of his 1,095,162-year term until election day in 1,097,187. At press time, a shortage of young blood, caused due to malfunctions of fridges at the CDC had resulted in Mrs. Leavitt ageing 273,790 years instantaneously, resulting in her shrivelling up into a “raisin like,” state according to members of the media present at the press briefing.
ICE Agents Wait At Edge Of Delivery Table To Deport Newborn
https://theonion.com/ice-agents-wait-at-edge-of-delivery-table-to-deport-newborn/
ICYMI: RFK Jr. Starts National Registry Of Introverts Who Sometimes Get Social Anxiety
https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-starts-national-registry-of-introverts-who-sometimes-get-social-anxiety/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Wasteof Alpha Implements New ‘Hire Hitman On User’ Feature
ICYMI: Cardinal Who Spent Easter Dinner Telling Pope To Ease Off The Butter Feeling Pretty Vindicated
