@wastedonion

Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Republican Wasteof Fan Account Posts ‘That's My President!’ With Picture Of Trump Punching Sick Child's Face In Oval Office

Prison Guards Burn Another Pile Of Used Underwear Sent To Luigi Mangione

https://theonion.com/prison-guards-burn-another-pile-of-used-underwear-sent-to-luigi-mangione/

Drake Catches Himself Singing ‘Not Like Us’ In The Shower

https://theonion.com/drake-catches-himself-singing-not-like-us-in-the-shower/

By The Wasted Onion: Blaze Announces Smartphone Powered By Potatoes

SILICON VALLEY—Standing before reporters and hailing the new device as “the next big thing in the mobile phone space,” Blaze owner KyleTech announced the company’s debut smartphone powered by potatoes. “After revolutionizing the social media space, I pondered where the flame of social media should go next. Then, in a vision, I realised our next move, smartphones! Not just any smartphone, no, a smartphone powered by the humble potato. Behold, the BlazePhone 1,” said KyleTech at a keynote outside a McDonald’s parking lot surrounded by reporters snapping pictures of the device in his hand while a potato dangled below connected to the device via a charging cable. “Now, I know what many of you will be thinking; why would we develop a smartphone that requires a potato to function? Well, it’s simple really, because it’s just more convenient, no more pesky power bricks, just good ol’ fashioned spuds!” The Blaze owner continued, explaining that by powering the device with potatoes would mean that users could cook a delicious jacket potato with whipped feta and sumac after they were finished using the device for the day. At press time, the BlazePhone had been added to the Blaze eStore, but according to reports the storefront had gone offline with a message claiming that the site was down due to web development platform Wix experiencing server issues due to a lack of lemons needed to power the company’s data centres.

RFK Jr. Flushes Nation’s Antidepressants

https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-flushes-nations-antidepressants/

Trump Announces Seal Team 6 Killed U.S. Protester In Daring Overnight Raid

https://theonion.com/trump-announces-seal-team-6-killed-u-s-protester-in-daring-overnight-raid-2/

By The Wasted Onion: Remembering Pope Francis: The First Pope To Like Pineapple On Pizza

VATICAN CITY—Pope Francis’s papacy brought many achievements and firsts in the Catholic Church, such as being the first Latin American pontiff and first non-European to hold the papacy since 741, but many will remember him as the first Pope to like pineapple on pizza. “I fondly remember how during my first meeting with him, he brought out his Popephone and ordered a pizza with extra pineapple,” said cardinal Giuseppe Marino in an interview with The Wasted Onion. “It was one of his many loves during his life, he would tell me stories about how his parents would take him to their local Pizza Hut for his birthdays and treat him to a Hawaiian Sizzler.” Cardinal Marino went on to speak about how the first Argentinian pope would regularly order the ham and pineapple pizza with a side of potato wedges, cookies, and a bottle of Coca-Cola Zero Sugar from the local Domino’s. At press time, reports suggested JD Vance, who was one of the last people to meet the late pope, had brought a cheeseburger pizza from Papa Johns as a gift, which Pope Francis reportedly rejected, saying “this is the greatest sin I’ve ever had the displeasure of witnessing in my 12 years of papacy,” before Vance was escorted out.

Pete Hegseth: ‘There Are No State Secrets In A Healthy Relationship’

https://theonion.com/pete-hegseth-there-are-no-state-secrets-in-a-healthy-relationship/

Special Report Via The Hard Times: Pope Francis Dies Rather Than Spend Any More Time With JD Vance

https://thehardtimes.net/culture/pope-francis-dies-rather-than-spend-any-more-time-with-jd-vance/

From The Archives: Returning Jesus Christ Downed By U.S. Missile Defense 30,000 Feet Before Making Landfall

https://theonion.com/returning-jesus-christ-downed-by-u-s-missile-defense-3-1828884383/

Easter Special Report: Report: 17% Of Easter Egg Hunts End In Child Setting Off Landmine

https://theonion.com/report-17-of-easter-egg-hunts-end-in-child-setting-of-1848769896/

ICYMI: Historians: Quibbling Over Exact Definition Of Concentration Camp Sign Of Healthy Society

https://theonion.com/historians-quibbling-over-exact-definition-of-concentration-camp-sign-of-healthy-society/

Obamas Show Off Vibrant Marriage By Inviting Nation To Join Them In Boudoir

https://theonion.com/obamas-show-off-vibrant-marriage-by-inviting-nation-to-join-them-in-boudoir/

‘Show Me Where You Make Autism!’ Shouts RFK Jr., Storming Sour Patch Kids Factory

https://theonion.com/show-me-where-you-make-autism-shouts-rfk-jr-storming-sour-patch-kids-factory/

By The Wasted Onion: Donald Trump Signs Executive Order To Rename New Mexico To New America

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—In a move designed to promote what he claimed was “American greatness,” President Donald Trump signed an executive order Thursday renaming the state of New Mexico to New America. “The beautiful state of New America will finally be great again, folks! Wow,” said Trump to reporters after signing the executive order while on a visit to 308 Negra Arroyo Lane, claiming that former President Joe Biden and Mexican lawmakers were involved in the naming of the state during its founding in 1912. “Biden, he made them name it New Mexico, because the Mexican’s paid him, they did that, but we’re going to honour New America’s true patriots. Every single one. Like Walter White, Jesse Pinkman, all those guys. I know them well, very good people.” Trump went on to add that he intends to make Mexico pay for any costs incurred from the process of renaming the state. At press time, Trump officials drafted plans to rename Washington D.C. to “Washington Deez Nuts” after Elon Musk reportedly suggested the idea.

This stories headline was written and suggested by @eris, thank you! Find their original post below.