Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
By The Wasted Onion: Google Pixel 10 Introduces Self Flipping Function To Show Ads When Put Screen-Side Down
BROOKLYN, NY—Unveiling its latest smartphone offering at its annual promotional event in its New York office, tech giant Google introduced a new feature for the Google Pixel 10 that allows the device to flip itself over if placed screen-side down to show adverts to users. “The all-new Google Pixel 10 is not just our most advanced phone yet, with the power of generative AI built from the ground up and woven into the very fabric of the device, but we’ve also innovated by giving the Pixel 10 some little booster jets that allow it to flip itself over if placed faced down so it can assault your senses with YouTube ads for whatever sex AI chatbot won our latest advertising bidding gauntlet,” said Senior Vice President of Devices & Services Rick Osterloh during the company’s Made by Google event. “This brings new, exciting opportunities for the Google Ads team, who will be able to rent out those ever shortening moments when you’re not looking at your phone to whatever random scammer who pays us enough money to show you ads on your screen and at full volume after it flips itself over using those sick as fuck little jets,” said Osterloh to the events host Jimmy Fallon, who softly pleaded that Google fulfil its promise not to release his search history as long as he hosts the product launch to their satisfaction. The tech giant eased the minds of consumers that the new ad and phone flipping feature was also powered by its Gemini AI, with it being able to determine how much power would be needed to flip the device over, choosing from “soft burst” up to “death laser.” At press time, Google confirmed in a blog post that the Pixel 10 would be capable of self-destructing if a user attempted to use ad-blocking technology on the device.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @gilbert189, thank you!
Texas Blocks Law That Would Ban Gun Stores From Operating Inside Psych Wards
https://theonion.com/texas-blocks-law-that-would-ban-gun-stores-from-operating-inside-psych-wards/
Via ClickHole: Another Security Failure: Jeffrey Epstein Has Once Again Been Discovered Dead From An Apparent Suicide In His Prison Cell
ICYMI: White House Downplays Trump Hand Bruise As Least Concerning Part Of Body
https://theonion.com/white-house-downplays-trump-hand-bruise-as-least-concerning-part-of-body/
Report: Your Naked Body Will Make Entire Morgue Laugh
https://theonion.com/report-your-naked-body-will-make-entire-morgue-laugh/
CDC Director Arrives At Office To Find Dead Deer With ‘Fired’ Carved Into It
https://theonion.com/cdc-director-arrives-at-office-to-find-dead-deer-with-fired-carved-into-it/
Mom Trying Something Called ‘The Serial Killer’s Diet’
https://theonion.com/mom-trying-something-called-the-serial-killers-diet/
By The Wasted Onion: Buzz Aldrin Claims The Moon Landing Was Faked
SATELLITE BEACH, FL—Sending shockwaves across the scientific community and the general public, former NASA astronaut Buzz Aldrin said Tuesday that the Moon landing was faked. “The smart people at NASA did some tests and discovered that the moon has no collision. They called up EarthDevs and arranged for us to be warped to a random flat plane somewhere when we couldn’t be seen in the sky. Oh yeah I should’ve mentioned that those NASA nerds have some wacky doohickeys that allow teleportation,” the pilot for the Apollo 11 mission said in a statement on Darflen. “This is not true, Mr. Aldrin is 95 years old and he probably has dementia, how could you believe him? Or to put it as the kids would say, he’s an old fucking bitch,” said NASA spokesperson Bethany Stevens in an official statement posted to Blaze. However, some disinformation experts worry that NASA’s attempt at debunking the unexpected statement from Mr. Aldrin would likely not succeed in swaying the public due to the fact that “not a single fucking person uses Blaze” according to experts who spoke with The Wasted Onion in a McDonald’s parking lot. At press time, Buzz Aldrin took to his Darflen account again to claim that the Moon is in fact made of cheese.
This story was written by @owl, thank you!
Taylor Swift Hints New Album Could Be About Her
https://theonion.com/taylor-swift-hints-new-album-could-be-about-her/
By The Wasted Onion: British Man Charged As Terrorist For Wearing Shirt With Letter ‘P’ On It
SWANSEA, WALES—Speaking to the press following a controversial arrest, South Wales Police confirmed Monday it has charged a British man under the Terrorism Act 2000 for wearing a shirt with a letter P on it. “We can confirm that a man from Swansea has been charged under the Terrorism Act 2000 for showing support for the proscribed terrorist group Palestine Action. We can also confirm that the suspect in question was wearing a shirt that could be seen as supporting a proscribed organisation to simple-minded dimwits, who are the most important people mainly due to the fact there are many said dimwits situated all over the nation, especially in the House of Commons. We would know, game recognises game,” said a spokesperson for South Wales Police. “My client is yet another case of the police and government going fucking apeshit over the mere thought of someone potentially expressing an opinion,” said the defendants lawyer in an interview inside a local Greggs. “My client was sitting in the very Greggs we are in right now, munching down on a sausage roll when a policeman screamed ‘terrorist!’ before he was wrangled to the ground with a taser pointed at his crotch. All because he was wearing a shirt with a P on it, which stands for penis for your information.” At press time, South Wales Police said it was unable to release a picture of the shirt in question to the public due to its internal file storage system requiring age verification to view the image, going on to confirm the force was looking into acquiring a copy of Death Stranding to get past the age verification checks.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
JD Vance Asks National Guard Member If He Can Touch Gun
https://theonion.com/jd-vance-asks-national-guard-member-if-he-can-touch-gun/
From The Archives: Sleeping Man Flanked By Laptop, Phone, Earbuds Like Egyptian Pharaoh Buried With All His Treasures
https://theonion.com/sleeping-man-flanked-by-laptop-phone-earbuds-like-egy-1826074153/
ICYMI: Heroin Overdose Serves As Wake-Up Call To Keep Doing Heroin But Smarter
https://theonion.com/heroin-overdose-serves-as-wake-up-call-to-keep-doing-heroin-but-smarter/
Atrocities Keep Getting In Frame Of D.C. Tourist’s Shot
https://theonion.com/atrocities-keep-getting-in-frame-of-d-c-tourists-shot/
