Welcome to the official page of The Wasted Onion, The Only News Source. We post the most important and trustworthy journalism that shines light in the dark halls of power and asks the tough questions. They say “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” we say “Hey, We’ll Totally Trade You This Democracy That’s Collecting Dust in Our Attic for a $100 Amazon Gift Card.”
Find more kick-ass journalism at our website: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/
The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Signs Executive Order To Rename Boards Of Canada As ‘Boards Of America’
WASHINGTON—Responding to the escalating trade war with neighbouring Canada, U.S. President Donald Trump signed an executive order Friday officially renaming the electronic music duo Boards of Canada to "Boards of America."
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/trump-signs-executive-order-to-rename-boards-of-canada-as-boards-of-america/
Trump Posts Disturbing Video Of Himself Twirling With Knives
https://theonion.com/trump-posts-disturbing-video-of-himself-twirling-with-knives/
By The Wasted Onion: Beloved Queen Elsa Found Dead After Ice Palace Melts
NORTH MOUNTAIN, ARENDELLE—Leaving the local population reeling as the tragic news travelled across the kingdom, Queen Elsa was found dead Thursday after her legendary Ice Palace melted.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/beloved-queen-elsa-found-dead-after-ice-palace-melts/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @redstrider, thank you!
By The Wasted Onion: Heartwarming: AI Slop Gets Physical Release To Preserve It Forever
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Ensuring that the world-famous digital content can be passed down to future generations, Paramount Skydance announced Wednesday that it will release a multi-disc Blu-ray compilation of the Internet's most infamous AI slop.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/heartwarming-ai-slop-gets-physical-release-to-preserve-it-forever/
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
New Meta Glasses Feature Reminds Users To Blink To Appear Human
https://theonion.com/new-meta-glasses-feature-reminds-users-to-blink-to-appear-human/
By The Wasted Onion: Canada Imposes 100% Retaliatory Tariffs On Melania Documentary
OTTAWA, CANADA—Escalating the ongoing trade war between the neighbouring nations, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney announced Tuesday that his government would impose a 100% tariff on all copies of the Melania documentary in response to U.S. levies.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/canada-imposes-100-retaliatory-tariffs-on-melania-documentary/
Report: More Americans Abandoning Lengthy Conversations In Favor Of One Really Big Word
The Wasted Onion Magazine: Humanitarian Crisis, War, And Conflict: How These Useful Words Avoid Describing The Killing Of Palestinians In Gaza As Genocide
Trump Makes Repeated Verbal Flubs While Performing ‘Wild Wild West’ Theme Song
https://theonion.com/trump-makes-repeated-verbal-flubs-while-performing-wild-wild-west-theme-song/
By The Wasted Onion: Harry And Meghan To Move Into Woking Pizza Express
WOKING, ENGLAND—In a shock announcement that has left royal commentators and tabloid editors scrambling, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, have confirmed that they are leaving the United States and relocating into a Pizza Express in Woking.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/harry-and-meghan-to-move-into-woking-pizza-express/
Via The Beaverton: Art Of The Deal author fails to secure deal with friendliest nation on planet
By The Wasted Onion: ‘Fuck It We Ball’ Says Congress As It Sends Entire U.S. Budget To Israel
WASHINGTON—After months agonising over how to source a suitable sum of taxpayer funds to send to its strategic ally in the Middle East, a visibly exhausted Congress decided Friday that it was time to "fuck it we ball" and send the entirety of the U.S. federal budget, amounting to just under $7 trillion, directly to Israel.
Full article: https://wastedonion.seanjw.com/posts/news/fuck-it-we-ball-says-congress-as-it-sends-entire-us-budget-to-israel/
Via ClickHole: Powerful Gesture: Google Maps Will Now Give You Slightly Better Directions If You’re Menstruating
White House Doctor Claims President Has Always Been Face Drawn Onto Cantaloupe
https://theonion.com/white-house-doctor-claims-president-has-always-been-face-drawn-onto-cantaloupe/
