@kiwi

i accidentally have the same idea as blaze and suddenly i’m accused of plagiarism

can’t we just all get along and agree that society needs free, easy, universal, and convenient access to breakfast foods?

Just wanna gauge the room real quick - do you guys think it’s unfair for @leaks to be my nomination for Secretary of State? And if so, who do you think I should nominate for that position instead?

i make a couple of jokes about pancakes and waffles about a year ago and suddenly that’s the hot topic in everyone’s presidential campaigns

that said, as your president, i’ll eradicate the waffle and pancake tax and instead offer a free program where you can obtain unlimited waffles and pancakes if you so choose

Official Manifesto of Promises and Stuff Part II

(not at my computer right now so I can’t do the fancy photo editing I did last time)

As your President, I’ll:

1. Resolve disputes on the pronunciation of “quinoa”, “caramel”, “gif”, and “soup” so the world can tackle the real issues

2. Feed the hungry via extremely nutritious parmesan cheese

3. Task the Housing department to construct the Heroin House, a new governmental building that will sit right next door to the Crack House

4. The FitnessGram™ Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20 meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly, but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal. [beep] A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound. [ding] Remember to run in a straight line, and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark, get ready, start.

5. Go back in time to the first Thanksgiving to get turkeys off the menu. That’s right, as your President, I’m going back in time to the first Thanksgiving to get turkeys off the menu.

6. Make the Wii Phone a reality

7. Have Secretary of State @leaks help me fix a leak in my bathroom sink

8. Task the Energy Department with devising a new eco-friendly energy source (I’m thinking Parmesan cheese)

Do not lose time on daily trivialities. Do not dwell on petty detail. For all of these things melt away, and drift apart within the obscure traffic of time.

Live well, and live broadly. You are alive and living now. Now is the envy of all of the dead.

- don hertzfeldt

With that said, thanks for the advice - as your president, I will feed the hungry via extremely nutritious parmesan cheese.

As Kiwi, I denounce this smear campaign started by the Kiwi Party, a party I didn’t start and have no leadership with. As for the lying thing, uhhh I’ll try not to do that either.

Kiwi 2025: A (potential) Government of Greatness

Featuring the following cool people as your (potential) Government of Greatness:

1. “@kiwi" – President

2. “@late” – Vice President

3. “@engineerrunner” – Secretary of State and Propaganda

4. “@toaks” – Treasurer

5. “@eris” – Defense

6. “@esben” – Attorney General

7. “@souple” – Agriculture

8. “@owl” – Commerce

9. “@chester” – National Intelligence

10. “@radi8” - Health

11. “@da-ta” - Design

12. “@wynd” - Housing

13. “@luckythecat” - Transportation

14. “@cheesewhisk3rs” - Energy

15. “@thrat” – Education

16. “@salad” – Homeland Security

17. “@noodle” – United Nations

18. “@mybearworld” – Chief Executive Chef

19. “@oren” - Foreign Affairs

20. “@wastedonion” - Town Crier

21. “@joseph-stalin” - Head of Soviet Russia

22. “@waffles” - Waffle Distribution

23. “@rayne” - Weather Service

24. “@han” - Hatch Department

25. “@jeffalo” – King

ok, so hear me out… again…

actual campaign logo and proposed cabinet coming soon…