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By The Wasted Onion: I'm Going To Overthrow The Government Or Die Trying
Look, I understand that governments exist for a reason. They are there to ensure that we have a functional society and don’t just have a lawless hellscape, and I also know why we have elections; they allow the citizens of nations to decide their future based on what they believe and what they feel is best for their country. It also prevents those who go drunk with power from keeping that power forever.
However, I’m so fucking goddamn pissed that you stupid motherfuckers voted for Kiwi rather than me. What was it? Am I not worthy of the title of wasteof president? Is it because I’m an owl, huh? You morons would vote for a plank of wood if someone stuck googly eyes on it. Like seriously, what’s your problem? You had a perfectly good candidate right here, but no! You just had to go and vote for someone else!
That’s why I am going to do everything in my power to overthrow this incoming government, even if it kills me.
You read that right, I’m going to perform a coup d'état the likes you’ve never seen before. It’s the only option left. The democratic system has failed me, and that means you have left me no choice but to unseat Kiwi from power and make myself your president no matter the cost.
I know what you’re thinking. You think I’m bluffing, but trust me, I am not. I will overthrow this government or die trying. Which will likely be the latter.
This piece was suggested by @owl & @kiwi, thank you!
Hello, my fellow Wasteofers! It has been brought to my attention that my fellow candidate, Tall Peter, was gun downed and assassinated.
I'll tell you, people. Violence has NO place in a democracy! If I was president, I would make sure every candidate is given the upmost security! My heart truely goes out to the affected family.
On the (very likely) chance that I and my running mate, radi8, are elected, we will work ceaselessly to make sure whoever did this is brought to justice, and that this event never happens again!
Alright, I said my shit. Personally, I think it was deserved, or at least, he had it coming. He knew what he was doing, threatening the Wasted Onion like that. What? What do you mean I'm still on air?
I would like to personally thank @wastedonion for being the most accurate, up to date, nonbiased News Source out there.
Fellas, a vote for me is a vote for nonbiasednews, literally.
Fellas, would you rather have a president give up after seeing a dollar amount and thinking, “We can't afford that!”, instead of a president that tries for their people?
If so, Oren is the president for you!
Just how are you going to provide free waffles? There are currently 5910 wasteof users (and growing!) on the site[0], and a standard eggo waffle costs $0.267 per waffle[1].
This comes to a cost of 5910×$0.267=$1,577.97! This is exactly 1577.97x as large as the wasteof budget!
To all wasteof users: Kiwi’s claim of free waffles is simply a fantasy, unsupported by the wasteof budget. Vote for truth. VOTE FOR OREN! #votefororen
Sources:
Guys I heard kiwi doesn't actually support dinner foods or animals that don't share a name with a fruit