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The Wasted Onion posts the best news story every weekday from The Onion and is run by @da-ta in ode to @onion by imadeanaccount.
By The Wasted Onion: Republicans And Democrats Wasteof Accounts Duke It Out For Coveted ‘Biggest Dweeb’ Award
THE INTERNET—Lashing out at each other with screenshots of news articles with no sources over which political party was more incapable of running the world’s wealthiest country, wasteof fan accounts Republicans and Democrats began fighting a war of words Monday in an effort to be honoured with the platform's “Biggest Dweeb” award. “The LAME-OCRATS and WOKE liberal media would have you believe that KRINGE KAMALA would be a better president than TRUMP! They/them are WRONG! Trump has already done so much for this country unlike SLEEPY JOE,” read a message by the Republicans account, marking a strong start which could win them the award for being completely and utterly batshit weird. “Oh yeah? Well we have facts on our side! You guys have already caused an economic crash and brought back measles. And that reminds me, please remember to DONATE to our fight to wag our fingers at every bad thing Trump is doing! It’s vital you give us your fucking goddamn money, we have THE RIZZ guys,” said a reply from Democrats, which shot the account into the lead after a spike in hospitalisations due to users gritting their teeth to dust from profusely wincing. At press time, when asked by a fellow wasteof user if either of them think their respective parties should refuse money from lobbying groups, both accounts replied “Hell fucking no, give them that sweet moolah” simultaneously.
Via The Shovel: World Running Out of Euphemisms for Genocide in Gaza, UN Warns
https://theshovel.com.au/2025/05/20/world-running-out-of-euphemisms-for-genocide-in-gaza-un/
ICYMI: Biden Faces Mounting Pressure To Let Younger Democrat Battle Cancer
https://theonion.com/biden-faces-mounting-pressure-to-let-younger-democrat-battle-cancer/
By The Wasted Onion: Jeffalo Says His Favourite Person To Ban Is Himself To Remember How Much Power He Has
Ashamed Woman Hiding Interest In Country Music Like It Hentai
https://theonion.com/ashamed-woman-hiding-interest-in-country-music-like-it-hentai/
By The Wasted Onion: Israel Sends Singular Snickers Bar Into Gaza
GAZA CITY, GAZA—Reacting to pressure from the UN, aid agencies, and countries across the world of its blockade of food and other essential aid which has resulted in a hunger crisis amongst the enclave’s population, Israel has sent a delivery of a single Snickers bar into Gaza. “We recognise that we cannot allow famine to begin, so we have taken action to immediately send in a standard size 41.7 gram Snickers chocolate bar,” said Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu in a video posted Friday morning. “This will ensure that those in Gaza don’t die of starvation too fast and will keep everyone off our backs, because wow you guys are annoying.” Footage of an aid truck carrying the sole confectionery taken from a multipack into Gaza emerged hours after the announcement. At press time, reports suggested the Israeli PM had spoken with President Trump in the hopes of getting a fresh arms deal, suggesting that missiles could be used to create plentiful amounts of food with fresh Palestinian corpses.
Trump Shares Own Experiences As Victim Of White Genocide
https://theonion.com/trump-shares-own-experiences-as-victim-of-white-genocide/
Faithful Dog Refuses To Move From Spot Where He Killed Beloved Owner
https://theonion.com/faithful-dog-refuses-to-move-from-spot-where-he-killed-beloved-owner/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Republicans Wasteof Account Shares Post Warning Others About Meaning Of Number 69
By The Wasted Onion: JD Vance Releases Debut Kawaii Metal Album Under ‘DJ Vance’ Pseudonym
U.S. Military Bans Men With Girl Names From Participating In Combat
https://theonion.com/u-s-military-bans-men-with-girl-names-from-participating-in-combat/
By The Wasted Onion: Leaks Wasteof Account Reveals Identity, Turns Out To Be Human Being
THE INTERNET—In a turn of events that has left the social media site in shock, wasteof account @leaks revealed their identity Monday, turning out to be a human being. “Having been the premier place on wasteof for the latest leaks from my trusted source, I felt now was the time to reveal my identity as a human being, made of flesh, bones, blood, and a heck of a lot of water with a side of human excrement,” said a post from the account in part, along with a picture of the leakers appearance, which has been confirmed by experts to be legitimate, ending conspiracy theories of the owner being a skin-walker. “You’re telling me that they aren’t a faceless grey person who’s head floats above their torso?” posted user @mrowlsss in reaction to the reveal. “WAIT THEY’RE NOT A FUCKING DRAGON?!” posted another frustrated user known as @mef. At press time, reports suggested owner of wasteof Jeffalo held an emergency meeting with the site’s moderation team, instituting a state of emergency on the site with a post from Jeffalo declaring “the end times are upon us, leaks is an actual human, may God have mercy.” Replying to the post, @leaks claimed the state of emergency would “not force IKEA to abandon their furniture business and become a pawn shop,” claiming they received the information from their trusted source.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
ICYMI: Mother Extremists Hijack Airwaves To Broadcast Photos Of Their Children
https://theonion.com/mother-extremists-hijack-airwaves-to-broadcast-photos-of-their-children-2/
ICYMI: Man Can’t Believe He Has To Download Stupid App Just To Bribe President
https://theonion.com/man-cant-believe-he-has-to-download-stupid-app-just-to-bribe-president/
